


Where the Heart is

by ZeeCatfish



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Time Shenanigans, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-17
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-10-29 17:27:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/322339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeeCatfish/pseuds/ZeeCatfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Establishing an intergalactic romantic long-distance relationship with a supposedly aquatic alien who claims his race is out to dominate the universe is almost as hard as keeping said relationship intact without dying from a massive case of blue balls. It's hard and nobody understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for a kink meme prompt that can be found [here](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/11895.html?thread=22866807#t22866807)  
> .
> 
> Something I keep on forgetting to say at the kink meme is that the characters are aged up: the first contact happens at age 13/6 sweeps, but Sburb/Sgrub doesn't happen until three years later. This is because anything I touch inevitably turns into porn, including my notes for future chapters, and I personally prefer aged up porn because of reasons.

Eridan fidgeted with the hem of his cape nervously, eyes never leaving the humming fourth wall on the other side of the room. For once he was more than happy no-one was paying attention to him because he was quite certain that he wouldn't be able to speak over the too loud beating of his collapsing and expanding bladder based aquatic vascular system in his throat if someone were to ask him anything.

The idea that this bizarre machine would be able to do what he'd spent over a year believing was impossible, and more importantly that it was actually going to be doing so was so bizarre, so alien that it overtook him, became the one single point of interest on this entire stupid asteroid. Suddenly Feferi and Sollux and Vriska just didn't matter so much anymore because there was hope and there was going to be a new universe in which everyone would be fine and Dave would be there.

Sollux muttered something to Karkat and their leader cleared his throat, interrupting Terezi mid-cackle and stopping her rant on the coolkid and his bright red text that Eridan had been trying to tune out because hearing her talk about his human that way made a nasty slitherbeast of jealousy coil in his gut.

"Alright fuckasses, this is it. So the fucking universe we created was a steaming pile of dung and we should probably be glad we didn't get to enter it because of how badly we fucked it up but at least those four assholes it spawned are somewhat competent and gave us this chance so. Well. Just. Let's not fuck up, alright?" Karkat said, surprisingly softly in comparison to his usual outdoor voice. "It's time."

With a loud crash the glass of the fourth wall's lower right screen shattered under the impact of Gamzee's club and after a moment of hesitation Karkat stepped towards it, into the hole, vanishing through the black filter-like void that ominously thrummed where the glass had been before.

Sollux peeked his head around the back of the wall and Eridan almost expected to hear Karkat spit out expletives because it hadn't worked and he was just standing on the other side, but Sollux pulled his head back looking more rattled that Eridan could ever remember him seeing. He didn't even have the focus to mind that it wasn't him who had caused that kind of reaction.

"Okay then, who'th nextht?" Sollux asked, trying to sound more composed than he was. With a tinkling laugh Aradia, who had been standing next to the programmer gave him a small pat on the shoulder before striding towards the broken wall with a majestic determination that even Eridan had to admire, although he would never admit that out loud.

Terezi was the next to walk forward, stepping through the portal with one of those eerie cackles that made it sound like she knew something the rest of them did not even though it was much more likely that she just thought up a new crime-scenario to roleplay with her plushies. Never one to be outdone, Vriska followed right after quipping that if nothing else at least she would make it through alright because she had 'aaaaaaaall the luck', as if there was anyone who didn't know about that yet. Gamzee followed wordlessly, smiling as he stepped into the unknown.

With the daredevils gone came a short interval of silence in which no-one moved, probably because who knew what would be waiting on the other side if anything would be there at all and for all that Eridan was scared to death something would go wrong and he'd end up dying, the thought of meeting Dave motherfucking Strider face-to-face was even scarier because the safety that came with knowing that he was an alien from another planet (another universe even, but he hadn't known that before) would suddenly just be gone and the possibility that Dave wouldn't like what he saw made Eridan's chest hurt.

Then Kanaya stepped forward. Before stepping through, she turned around and gave them all a dignified bow and said a simple goodbye that definitely didn't ease anyone's nerves. Then Nepeta let out a yowl of frustration and ran through the window, immediately followed by a distressed and sweating Equius.

Tavros followed after a quick look around the room, probably feeling the rising tension between the ones left behind. After the Taurus vanished into the blackness one horn at a time Sollux turned to Feferi and the two shared a look before the Gemini walked to the fourth wall and stepped through.

Suddenly Eridan was very aware he'd been singled out, that Feferi had deliberately stayed behind last because she knew he wouldn't be the first to step through. He couldn't bring himself to look her in the eyes, not because he was sorry but because he knew that he should be. "Eridan, I haven't forgiven you," she told him with a seriousness he's never heard from her before. "And I'll never fill any quadrant with you. But maybe in this new world we can be friends again."

He shuffled around uncomfortably. Instead of staying with Sollux she'd chosen to spend what could be the last moments of her life with him, even dropping the fish puns to tell him this and yet all he could think about was white hair and sunglasses. "I-" he started, even though he had no idea what to say, but she had already turned and was walking away from him, hair swishing with every step she took before she too stepped into the new world, leaving him alone in the dark, empty lab, suddenly all too aware that he was the last living being in the universe.

There was a side of him that wanted to stay where he stood, not wanting to see the consequences of taking that step into the dark but it was quickly squashed by his more prideful side, the side that wanted to be acknowledged, that needed someone else to tell him he was doing well.

He'd faced the end of the world, he told himself sternly as he squared his shoulders and lifted his chin. He stopped when he reached the fourth wall, but only momentarily. Then he took a deep breath and stepped forward. Dave would be on the other side, and just that would make everything better.


	2. First Contact

caligulasAquarium [CA] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CA: wwho are you evven supposed to be   
TG: oh god not one of you guys again  
TG: wait what  
TG: how did you even get my handle if you dont know who i am  
TG: what kind of backwater well did you droop in from not to know who i am   
CA: wwhat do you mean one of you guys   
TG: the troll assholes now get back to the point   
CA: of course im a troll wwhat else wwould i be   
CA: are you makin fun a me  
CA: some nervve for a landdwweller   
TG: right i forgot you guys have a rule against making sense  
TG: whatever man i dont want to deal with this bullshit  
TG: not gonna bother blocking you because you guys always come back like cockroaches  
TG: ill prepare some sick rhymes for the next time we talk  
TG: title it double w and dedicate it to the random asshole who makes no sense   
CA: wwait dont ignore me lowwblood

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: wwhats a brother supposed to be anywways  
CA: god damn it

\---

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering CaligulasAquarium [CA]

TG: so how did you get my chumhandle  
TG: because i sure as hell didnt give it to you   
CA: civvilised people start with a greeting  
CA: fuckin rude landdwweller  
CA: wwhy are you botherin me  
CA: im in the middle a somethin important   
TG: sure you are sweetcheeks  
TG: just answer the goddamn question   
CA: glub  
CA: why should i tell you   
TG: because you and your pals may think you're the shit  
TG: but the lame ass trolling has me calling it  
TG: chipping away at my soul with your idiocy  
TG: testing the legendary strider obstinacy  
TG: dicking around with the big leagues arent you the badass  
TG: all of you after my deep intruiges stuck looking at an impasse   
CA: oh god  
CA: im not interested in your glubbin slam poetry   
TG: these pants are too tight no room for all these bitches   
CA: youre not evven tryin to make sense

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: strider swag thats right you cant imagine these riches  
TG: ha  
TG: sucker  
  
\---

caligulasAquarium [CA] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CA: a glubbin letter   
TG: what   
CA: i got your fuckin handle from a letter claimin to be from future me   
TG: awesome  
TG: magic  
TG: why are you telling me this now dude  
TG: its been what a month  
TG: i almost forgot you existed  
TG: my life was almost complete  
TG: and then you had to come back and ruin it  
TG: on that note tell your friends to piss off for me   
CA: magic isnt real fuckface  
CA: and im not passin your stupid message  
CA: i dont evven knoww wwho youre talking about   
TG: wow next thing i know youll be telling me santa isnt real  
TG: youre breaking my tender little heart here man  
TG: well at least you admitted you dont have any friends  
TG: ten points in mangrit for you or whatever   
CA: wwhat no thats not wwhat i meant   
TG: whatever dude i dont want to hear about your friendship issues  
TG: later

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

\---

caligulasAquarium  [CA] began trolling turntechGodhead  [TG]

CA: are you still ignoring me   
TG: depends  
TG: are you still a troll   
CA: wwhat  
CA: wwhat kind of question is that evven   
TG: well are you   
CA: a course i am  
CA: but   
TG: nope  
TG: not listening

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

\---

caligulasAquarium  [CA]  began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CA: this is gettin redundant  
CA: it's impolite to ignore royalty  
TG: why are you even still talking to me  
TG: i didnt think my please fuck off hints were all that subtle  
CA: that letter from my future self  
TG: why did i even bother asking all you guys ever give is horseshit answers  
TG: im starting to feel the bitching throes of some weird ass masochism kick coming on  
TG: no really bullshit at me some more  
TG: i obviously get off on your complete and utter pointlessness  
CA: rude  
TG: oh yeah insult me baby  
CA: wwhatevver  
CA: that letter made it sound like you wwere someone important  
CA: my future self must havve hit his fuckin head or something  
CA: fuck  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

\---

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

TG: talk to me   
CA: wwhat   
TG: talk to me   
CA: wwhat the hell wwhy are you talkin to me arent you supposed to be ignorin me   
TG: consider this a lapse of judgement  
TG: a moment of sublime magnanimity in which i decided to allow you to bask in my vast superiority   
CA: youre full a it  
CA: what makes you think i want to talk to you   
TG: what are you saying bitches like you line up to talk to me  
TG: oh dave enlighten us with your verbal prowess they say as they swoon below my window  
TG: not even the height of the building stops them   
CA: davve is that your name   
TG: hey man butchering my name with your stupid typing malfunction or whatever it is is not cool   
CA: thats a stupid name you must havve landed on the wwrong side a the drones assigning the names  
CA: and its called a typin quirk what are you mentally deficit   
TG: hey just because my name is common doesnt mean you get make fun of it smartass   
CA: common  
CA: you think that others than you havve the exact same name   
TG: well obviously  
TG: wait a second youre like one of those new age kids whose parents gave them some random keyboardsmash name for uniqueness sake  
TG: not as ironically cool as my name but i suppose that shit carries a certain amount of levels of irony too   
CA: youre talkin a bunch a hoofbeastshit to confuse me arent you  
CA: wwell it isnt wworkin  
CA: i dont wwant to talk to you   
TG: well too bad because youre getting this one chance to impress me and make me rethink my decision to never talk to you again  
TG: and we all know how youre drooling all over this fine piece of man meat  
TG: so come at me  
TG: what did your cute ass letter from the future tell you about me and my copious amounts of swag   
CA: you are annoyin  
CA: but fine  
CA: it said you wwere kind of an asshole but that i shouldnt let go of you regardless  
CA: because i wwould be missing out or somethin crazy redrom sounding horseshit   
TG: brilliant  
TG: ooh mister ca ooh  
TG: you know what  
TG: that was lame and sappy enough to get my fucking stamp of ironic approval  
TG: but i gotta go  
TG: ill pester you later or something   
CA: wwhat  
CA: i dont evven wwant to talk to you wwhat are you going on about

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

\---

turntechGodhead    
[TG]    
began pestering caligulasAquarium    
[CA]

TG: sup   
CA: oh god  
CA: you wwere actually searious   
TG: of course i was how could i ignore such an adorable and heartfelt confession  
TG: wait did you just say searious  
TG: what the hell kind of typo is that   
CA: it is a pun you grubfuckin asshat   
TG: grubfucking  
TG: that sounds disgusting  
TG: why did i ever ignore you you are a goldmine   
CA: wwhy the hell would i be a mineral extraction site that makes no sense   
TG: this  
TG: is hilarious  
TG: ironically of course   
CA: wwas there a point behind your stupidity wwhy are you botherin me   
TG: nothing really just spending some time with my number one fan  
TG: on that note what the hell is your name anyways  
TG: cant properly dedicate and sign my next comic page to you if i dont know it  
TG: just dedicating it to some dude who goes by ca would be lame  
TG: wait a second are you even a dude   
CA: wwhat the evverglubbin fuck are you goin on about  
CA: my name is eridan ampora and obvviously i am male you landdwelling piece of shit   
TG: wow full name right away way to tell mommy and daddys internet teachings to go impale themselves on a fifty plus years old pedocock  
TG: and you really were named after some random keyboardsmash  
TG: im not sure if i should be feeling sorry for you or point my finger and laugh   
CA: wwait wwhat the hell are you flirtin wwith me   
TG: what the fuck gave you that idea   
CA: you are so wweird   
TG: dropped the antagonistic facade at last huh  
TG: eriblub we are going to be the best of friends im calling it   
CA: wwhat did you just call me   
turntechGodhead    
[TG]   
ceased pestering caligulasAquarium    
[CA]

CA: wwhat the  
CA: wwhat is wwrong with this guy

\---

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

TG: hey sup   
CA: wwhat do you wwant noww   
TG: so hostile  
TG: and here i thought you loved me  
TG: just give me a moment to squeeze out a single manly tear   
CA: fine   
TG: what   
CA: you wwanted to talk right  
CA: fine lets talk   
TG: awesome all of my prayers answered  
TG: that was a pretty awkward way to say please ask me some shit because i have nothing interesting to say though but dont worry ill forgive you  
TG: might as well start with asl though i know youre a dude already   
CA: i didnt get a wword you just said   
TG: age sex location wow youre like the internet virgin of the century arent you eribubbles   
CA: fuckin hell stop callin me wweird names  
CA: and just because i dont livve at my husktop like sol or kar doesnt mean im naivve or anyfin   
TG: those names tell me absolutely nothing what the hell kind guy names his computer husktop and yes you are totally a naive little baby but dont worry bubble butt i love you anyways   
CA: for fucks sake  
CA: is it that hard to make fuckin sense you cretinous asshole   
TG: basic english and a little side course in internet lingo isnt that tough eripoo  
TG: but you never answered my questions   
CA: fine  
CA: im six and you really dont need to knoww where i livve   
TG: six  
TG: like fuck im going to believe that   
CA: wwhy  
CA: howw is my age too complicated for you to wwrap your think pan around  
CA: howw old are you then   
TG: thirteen and no way in hell does a six years old know how to write  
TG: especially not using words like cretinous or weird ass puns   
CA: thirteen  
CA: like fuck im goin to believve that  
CA: there is no wway a glubbin illiterate imbecile like you wwouldnt havve been culled wway before reachin maturity  
CA: especially one wwho still trolls kids and doesnt knoww wwhat a husktop is  
CA: and wwho types in fuckin unnatural mutant red   
TG: hey now dont diss the color red is fucking rad bro  
TG: and youre the one whos been trolling me here with your supposed age which i know for sure is bullshit  
TG: so fess up why the fuck would you say youre six years old that is just not cool or ironic at all   
CA: oh glubbin hell wwhy am i still talkin to you   
TG: because you think im awesome and want in my pants i assume   
CA: i havve had it up to my gills wwith your wweird vvocabulary and rude glubbin attitude   
TG: wait a moment  
TG: gills  
TG: really   
CA: wwhat the hell it took you right up until noww to realise im a seadwweller you are evven more idiotic than i thought   
TG: oh fuck this

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

\---

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

TG: im starting to think we underestimated the substance of our fundamental differences  
TG: i dont really know how to ask this  
TG: oh fuck that i know exactly how to ask this  
TG: you are either roleplaying as some loch ness guy  
TG: or youre not human  
TG: is that what were getting at here   
CA: wwhat the hell is a human   
TG: youre fucking kidding me  
TG: whats next a warning of invasion from mars  
TG: a fleet of alien invaders hiding inside of jupiter  
TG: green skinned and poised for the attack  
TG: except with gills  
TG: this is not even remotely cool funny or ironic dude   
CA: youre sayin youre an alien   
TG: i am saying fuck this shit this is so not cool  
TG: but kudos to you man youre a pretty good troll   
CA: thank you i think   
TG: dude that was not a compliment  
TG: is your name even really erididdleskeyboardsmash or whatever   
CA: its eridan and howw wwas that not a compliment   
TG: cant you just drop the trolling horseshit and play it straight youre giving me one hell of a headache  
TG: drum beats and way too loud uncool noises all up in this bitch   
CA: so youre really an alien  
CA: and that wweird vocabulary a yours is your wway of talkin  
CA: wwoww  
CA: howw do you human people evven understand each other   
TG: oh god there is such a thing as taking a joke too far  
TG: fuck why am i even feeding the troll   
CA: wwhat the hell is that supposed to mean wwere just talkin there isnt any food involved at all   
TG: why would you even think that was meant literally youre cramping my style here  
TG: welp  
TG: time for me to go  
TG: have fun doing gilly things   
CA: wwait hold on

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

\---

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CA: are you ignorin me again  
CA: or are you off doin alien stuff or wwhatevver  
CA: i wwant to ask you some questions  
CA: since sol told me there arent supposed to be any civvilisations in the univverse capable of connectin to and usin our netwwork are you from an undiscovvered civvilisation or are really a species advvanced enough to somehoww mask your presence from her imperial condescentions fleet  
CA: are you evven there  
CA: these are important questions you knoww  
CA: wwait i suppose if your civillisation is advvanced enough to somehoww stay hidden you wwouldnt just tell me  
CA: since its not really a secret that the empress likes destroyin entire planets and stuff  
CA: wwell i suppose you could just tell me about your species instead  
CA: for scientific purposes

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

\---

caligulasAquarium  [CA]  began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CA: davve  
CA: stop ignorin me  
CA: listen to your superior you annoyin landdwelling alien  
TG: oh for fucks sake i blocked you  
CA: i thought you wwere wwillin to talk to me noww since you unblocked me  
TG: i didnt unblock you god dammit  
TG: no you know what dont tell me because i suddenly understand everything  
TG: alien mermaids are favored by the gods and youre going to be up my grill despite me blocking you right up until i do a fucking dramatic grade a pirouette of the handle like its red hot and burning my feet  
TG: dude youre seriously one of the most annoying pieces of horseshit ive ran into ever and ive been hanging about the internet since not too long after you were supposedly dicking the diapers up  
TG: i dont have time for babies and i definitely dont want to talk to you capiche  
CA: wwhat the fuck are babies  
TG: wow seriously youre going that far  
TG: you realise even fictional sci fi aliens need to reproduce to mass invade earth or whatever you seem to think youre going to be doing  
TG: man you are delusional arent you  
TG: you seriously believe this alien business is real  
TG: fuck this shit im out  
turntechGodhead [TG] blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: oh for fucks sake   
TG: thats my line  
TG: i dont think you understand the meaning of the block function   
CA: i am laughin at you on the inside just so you know   
TG: asshole  
TG: fine ignore the fact that i just fucking blocked you like its nothing i didnt want to use the internet today anyways  
TG: later   
CA: hey wwait hold on  
CA: since you apparently cant evven do something as base as block someone why dont wwe just talk

turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: rude fuckin asshole alien  
CA: i wwill get you to talk just wwait and see

\---

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

TG: sup   
CA: wwait are wwe no longer doin the not talkin to me thing noww   
TG: well since it was working about as well as the idea of my brother in a chastity belt i guessed why the fuck not waste a few minutes on you  
TG: my day sucked major donkey balls anyways its not like you can make it worse  
TG: i think   
CA: oh  
CA: wwhat happened   
TG: youre seriously asking me this  
TG: you of all people are making small talk like you seriously expect me to answer you without laying down some sicknasty beats and crushing your fishy ass to bits   
CA: im tryin to be glubbin polite here davve  
CA: doesnt your race havve any manners wwhatsoevver   
TG: you and polite eriglub is like a fart in the sea  
TG: it absconds up and out as quick as it can   
CA: that is disgustin   
TG: anyways since youre just my troll stalker bubbles i guess i might as well tell you  
TG: the chick i was hot on totally friendzoned me just now and didnt even notice  
TG: and my best bro is being about as comforting as the noises those stupid hamster wheel things make when youre trying to sleep    
CA: i dont really understand half of wwhat you just used because human metaphors are wweird  
CA: but i knoww howw you feel   
TG: sure you do   
CA: im bein serious  
CA: you played your cards wwrong and noww the girl youre red for is glubbin diamonds at you  
CA: i knoww wwhat that feels like   
TG: i thought i was the one with the weird metaphors here  
TG: dude that made no sense  
TG: what the hell do diamonds have to do anything with my being rejected like some chump   
CA: what are you a grub  
CA: or is your society so backwwards youvve nevver heard of moirallegiance   
TG: lets for a moment say it is because seriously dude i have no idea what youre talking about   
CA: its fuckin pale romance you idiot   
TG: that tells me exactly nothing   
CA: its the not concupiscent pity quadrant   
TG: never become a teacher   
CA: givve me a bit  
CA: im goin to troll kar and ask if he knowws howw to explain this to wwigglers   
TG: right  
TG: dont break your head thinking too hard on how to make horseshit sound like it makes sense it would be a waste of time   
CA: im just goin to copy wwhat he said  
CA: CG: OKAY DUDE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THE EVERLOVING GRUBFUCK YOU WOULD EVEN NEED TO ASK THIS SINCE IT'S LIKE THE MOST BASE PIECE OF INFORMATION EVERY GRUB SHOULD HAVE AND EVEN GAMZEE UNDERSTANDS THIS DESPITE THE AMOUNT OF ROT THAT HAS TAKEN THE PLACE OF THAT THING RESEMBLING A THINKPAN HE MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT HAVE HAD AT SOME POINT BUT HERE GOES.  
CA: CG: ROMANCE IS DIVIDED IN FOUR QUADRANTS, TWO OF WHICH REVOLVE AROUND ROMANCE STEMMING FROM PITY ALSO CALLED RED ROMANCE OR REDROM; THE FLUSHED QUADRANT MATESPRITSHIP AND THE PALE ROMANCE MOIRAILLEGIANCE AND TWO REVOLVING AROUND HATE, ALSO KNOWN AS BLACK ROMANCE OR BLACKROM. THOSE ARE THE CALIGINOUS QUADRANT KISMESISSITUDE AND THE ASHEN QUADRANT WHERE TWO PARTIES ARE BOTH HELD TOGETHER AND APART BY A THIRD PARTY NAMED THE AUSPISTICE.  
CA:CG: OF COURSE ONLY THE CALIGNOUS AND THE FLUSHED ROMANCE ARE CONSCUPISCENT BECAUSE IF WE DIDNT HAVE THE CONCILIATORY ROMANCES AND JUST ALL WAVED BUCKETS AROUND EVERYONE WOULD JUST CULL EVERYONE ELSE ALL THE TIME BECAUSE SHIT WOULD GET OUT OF HAND AND EVERYONE IN THIS WHOLE NOOKWHIFFING UNIVERSE WHO THINKS FILLING BUCKETS IS MORE IMPORTANT BECAUSE ITS MORE FUN OR WHATEVER IS INSANE AND NEEDS TO BE IMPALED ON A STICK.  
CA: hes actually still goin but hes gettin kind a off track   
TG: okay dude first of all this is fucked up and way too thought out  
TG: second of all holy shit thats the angry shouty guy  
TG: carcinogeneticist   
CA: you knoww kar   
TG: so you do know the other troll dudes awesome now i feel even more stupid for thinking you werent related even though the whole ignoring my blocking you think should have set me off  
TG: gotta give you credit though dude your trolling is a lot more consistent and less disjointed  
TG: so gallowscalibrator and adiostoreador  
TG: ring any bells   
CA: you knoww ter and tavv too  
CA: howw   
TG: i told you dog  
TG: years of random trolling attempts though at is seriously the shittiest troll  
TG: can you tell cg to piss off   
CA: kar says he doesnt knoww wwhat im talkin about because hes nevver talked to anyone wwith your handle before and to stop invvolvvin him in my flarp fantasies  
CA: are you sure youvve got the right guy   
TG: of course im fucking sure  
TG: who else types mad angrydude tirades in all caps gray text and uses words like nookwhiffer   
CA: thats not really an uncommon wword though   
TG: you know what dude now ive just got a headache im headed for bed  
TG: thanks for the distraction i guess  
TG: also that romance thing you and cg cooked up is seriously disturbing   
CA: wwait you mean you aliens actually dont havve quadrants   
TG: i mean that im telling you  
TG: you aliens  
TG: youre doing romance wrong  
TG: later   
CA: hey wwait you cant just leavve after sayin somethin like that

turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]


	3. A lesson in human interaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man I'm awestruck at how much positive feedback I'm getting! Thank you all for your lovely comments and kudos!

carcinoGenetecist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: LET'S GET ONE THING VERY CLEAR HERE. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'RE AN ALIEN, SOME RANDOM FUCKASS WITH POOR TASTE AND TOO MUCH FREE TIME ON HIS HANDS OR A GIANT PILE OF HOOFBEAST EXCREMENT OR WHATEVER MORONIC ROLEPLAYING SCENARIO YOU FLOP AROUND IN LIKE SOME GILLBEAST ON LAND.  
CG: BUT STOP GETTING ERIDAN TO PASS MESSAGES TO ME FOR YOU OR ASKING HIM FOR INFORMATION TO FUEL YOUR STUPID FLARP THING. HE'S BEEN EVEN MORE INTOLERABLE THAN USUAL AND IT'S YOUR FAULT. KINDLY STICK YOUR HORNS IN A BLENDER AND THEN JUMP OUT OF A WINDOW.  
CG: I DON'T KNOW YOU, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU AND I'VE DEFINITELY NEVER TROLLED YOU BEFORE SO YOU CAN JUST GO BACK TO SUCKING YOUR OWN BULGE INSTEAD OF GETTING UP MY GRILL.  
GC: ALSO THAT COLOUR IS FUCKING AWFUL AND USING IT MAKES YOU A MORONIC ASSHOLE WHO SHOULD GET CULLED.  
CG: PLEASE NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN, THEN MY LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE.

carcinoGenetecist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

\---

carcinoGenetecist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: OH MY GOD  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD  
CG: OF ALL THE PEOPLE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN  
CG: HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT YOU?  
CG: NO NEVER MIND DON'T ANSWER THAT, JUST IGNORE EVERYTHING PAST ME JUST SAID.  
CG: I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.  
CG: AT A MORE APPROPRIATE TIME.  
CG: OH MAN THIS IS SO FUCKED UP.

carcinoGenetecist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

\---

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CA: so how technologically advvanced would a theoretical alien havve to be to hack into the trollian servver again  
TA: dude ed.  
TA: you’ve a2ked me thii2 at lea2t once a niight for the pa2t fuck know2 how many week2, you 2hould be able two repeat my an2wer word for word by now.  
TA: ii2n’t iit about tiime for you two 2top botheriing me thii2 often, becau2e iit’2 gratiing on my 2en2or-oriiented nervou2 2y2tem component2.  
CA: your wwhat  
CA: no wwait i dont wwant a lowwblood vvocabulary translation i just wwant to knoww the answer to my fuckin question and be quick about it  
TA: wow ed you’re ju2t 2o talented iin motiivatiing people two help you out aren’t you?   
CA: wwhat the fuck is that supposed to mean  
TA: iit mean2 you are a giiant douche and ii wiill blow up your hu2ktop iif you mentiion your 2hiity aliien two me agaiin. maybe ff, kk and kn put up wiith your bull2hiit but ii’d be a happiier troll iif you would ju2t pii22 off and not bother me agaiin.  
CA: wwoww good to knoww ivve got a fuckin friend in you sol really  
TA: diid ii hiit a nerve?  
TA: no waiit.  
CA: wwait for wwhat i think everyfin that needed to be said has been said hasnt it  
TA: look. ye2 that wa2 2hiitty of me to 2ay and ii’m 2orry.  
TA: revel in that ed because ii’m not goiing two make apologiiziing two you a habiit.  
TA: ju2t 2top hara22iing me about your aliien hoofbea2t2hiit and don’t troll me every 2iingle fuckiing niight becau2e iit’2 really gettiing on my nerve2. iif you do that and ii do the 2ame we can contiinue to ju2t pretend we don’t know each other unle22 eiither of u2 need2 2omethiing or iif our friiend2 want u2 to 2ociiali2e or whatever.  
TA: 2ound good?  
CA: i guess  
CA: i can figure out this alien business wwithout you anywways  
TA: oh mii2ter ampora oh diid ii 2tep on your priide?  
CA: fuck you  
TA: maybe you 2hould 2top lettiing iit traiil after you liike some wall cliimbiing scalebeast’s detachable taiil. iit’d get 2teamrolled le22 often.  
CA: wwas that supposed to be advvice or somethin  
TA: 2ee?  
TA: thii2 ii2 why ii 2ugge2ted we 2tay out of each other’2 way.  
TA: that way ii don’t have two feel 2o embara22ed for knowiing you everytiime ii get the upper hand wiithout you even notiiciing.  
TA: 2eriously ed you’re 2o lame 2ometime2.  
TA: actually make that mo2t of the tiime.  
CA: wwas that a black advvance just there sol i didnt knoww youd be that bold about things  
TA: not thii2 agaiin.  
TA: ii’m not iin the mood for your 2tupiid mii2communiicatiion2 twoday.  
TA: or ever, really.  
TA: now iif you’ll excu2e me ii’m goiing back two my codiing and ii don’t want two deal wiith you any longer.  
TA: iit make2 me feel liike ii’ve 2pent overly much tiime wiith a de2perate iidiiot who ha2 2ociial 2kiills that put a rock two 2hame. ii mean, ju2t look at all the cues you mii22.  
CA: i happen to be a whole fuckin deal better in any social situation than you are you fuckin lowwblood wwhat do you think youre doin talkin to me like youvve got any say about wwhat i do  
TA: ed.  
TA: pii22 off.

twinArmageddons [TA] blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

\---

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
CA: davve  
TG: oh my god what do you want  
TG: if you reply with hi and a smiley face right now i will block you  
CA: noww i obvviously cant say anythin other than  
CA: hi 38)

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: hadnt wwe established that this doesn't wwork  
TG: its just a formality eripoo  
TG: that beside the point are you just out to become the most annoying creature in the galaxy now  
TG: thats totally it right now isnt it all you do all day every day is think of ways to make yourself appear like an even more annoying douchebag than you already are  
TG: and what the hell is that smiley doing headbutting someone in the butt  
CA: you should feel flattered  
CA: youre the only alien im invvestin so much time in  
TG: so you know any other aliens then because if so you should totally feel free to become their virtual drop bear instead  
CA: a course i dont thats wwhat makes you so fuckin fascinatin  
CA: there are a lot a fish in the sea and all but youre the only one i knoww of that can actually use the same servvers as us wwithout bein culled instantly  
CA: wwhich makes you the vvery best alien and the only one wworthy of my attentions  
TG: dude  
TG: congratulations  
TG: you deserve a prize for that or something  
CA: wwhat  
TG: the dribble you just typed out is so mindblowingly tacky and weird and a shitton of other stuff i cant even name that i dont even know what to say  
CA: youre sayin an awwful lot for someone wwho doesnt knoww wwhat to say  
TG: just to steer the conversation away from the creepy ass plaque of sort of sponge like cheese reeking of sadness and desperate loser  
TG: you still havent told me what was up with that smiley  
CA: wwhat  
CA: oh that thin  
CA: its fefs  
CA: i dont actually ever use any so i just used the one i see most often  
TG: this fef person headbuts butts  
CA: thats feferi to you and obvviously not those are her horns  
TG: her  
TG: horns  
TG: no never mind i dont want to know  
TG: i suppose its not that much worse than egberts monster teeth smiley  
TG: except that one doesnt have any butts involved  
CA: are you just talkin to yourself noww  
TG: no man i am keeping you entertained with the miracle that is a tiny sprig of dave motherfucking striders thought process  
CA: oh  
TG: thats some brilliant commentary right there  
CA: shut up  
TG: whatever man  
TG: egberts wicked sabertooth smiley is :B by the way  
TG: man i feel my cool vaporising just by typing that shit no wonder hes such a dork  
CA: those are teeth  
CA: they dont look vvery practical if the text face is any indication  
TG: herbivore frontals man he could gnaw stuff to death with those  
CA: reelly  
TG: no  
TG: also thats spelled really not reelly just so you know  
CA: its a pun  
TG: right i think youve done that before  
CA: its because im also talkin to fef  
CA: she says to tell you to stop makin me believve youre an alien because im gettin annoyin glubbin about it  
TG: then maybe you should just stop glubbing about it  
TG: because i stand by my case  
TG: i am human  
TG: i dont give two hermes sandaled horseshits about what you think you are but extraordinarily white earth human boy represent man  
CA: i knoww i believve you  
CA: i guess ill just stop tryin to havve them help me out  
CA: i can figure you out on my owwn  
CA: sol wwasnt really helpful anywways  
TG: figure me out dude you sound like you want to strap me to a workbench and do creepy things to me  
TG: shits so not cool man shits in the middle of the sahara  
CA: the wwhat  
TG: of course you would jump on that  
TG: the sahara is a desert  
CA: oh okay  
CA: kan livves in a desert does your nursin caste also livve there  
CA: wwait fuck i havve to go  
CA: fef needs my help wwith somefin  
TG: is somefin another one of your puns  
CA: yes  
TG: okay good to know  
TG: fine lets continue this daunting conversation another time  
TG: later  
CA: bye davve

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

\---

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CA: i havve an offer for you  
TG: hello dave how are you dave glad to hear it dave  
TG: good to know youre still your usual assfaced fishbutt with a dash of guillible idiot and a cherry glazed in rude fucking dickfins  
CA: wwhat  
TG: your sweet little telemarketer opening just there princess  
TG: prime pinnacle on how not to do this manners thing  
CA: oh come on dont get stuck on semantics noww davve those are for commoners and stupid people youre too good for them  
TG: well that wasnt creepy or anything really is coming onto me your next strategy to get whatever it is youre trying to wrestle away from my gnarled claws of cool and epic batshittery  
CA: i wwasnt comin onto you davve just sayin it as it is noww wwill you listen to my offer  
TG: sell it to me pincess ruto  
CA: wwho  
CA: are you mistakin me for someone else noww  
TG: nevermind sweetcheeks just come at me  
CA: im not tryin to pick a fight or anythin davve  
CA: im just bein diplomatic here smooth out the ripples as it wwere  
TG: then can we please cut the horseshit and get to some semblance of a point provided you have one of those  
CA: wwell arent you tired of this quarrelin thin wwevve been doin  
TG: if youre trying to limit my bitching rights stop it right now because thats not going to happen  
TG: if i want to have someone nag at me for being the most awesome piece of meat ever coming in their vicinity ill get a girlfriend  
TG: and your digital man pussy just isnt appealing enough to me to consider you  
CA: my wwhat noww  
CA: no nevvermind wwhat i wwanted wwas to propose a truce  
CA: a ceasefire from all this hostile alien terminologgy i dont understand  
TG: see limiting my swag and trying to put a damper on my bitching time  
TG: not a chance dude your ceasefire can go to non fuck hell  
TG: as opposed to fuck hell because we wouldnt want your shitty truce to have too much fun  
TG: fite me  
CA: wwhat  
CA: oh come on just bite already  
TG: fishing terminology really  
CA: all im sayin is that wwe should mutually agree the other is an alien is all  
TG: …  
TG: if your general enthusiasm and fangirly spasms are anything to go by you havent doubted me for a while already  
TG: you are wetting your panties so hard over this whole alien deal its squirting out of your man vag dude  
CA: wwell yes i do believve you thats called common courtesy not somethin youvve heard of clearly  
CA: but ill forgivve you since youre an alien and no doubt simply not accustomed to a levvel of civvility as high as ours  
TG: truces are supposed to be mutually satisfying gillywaggle  
TG: the answers no regardless  
TG: you go to pretty impressive lengths to try and convince me and i respect that  
TG: thats the only reason im giving you the time of the day at all  
CA: time of the day  
CA: wwhat are you suggestin there  
TG: how the hell are you reading anything into that of all things  
CA: wwell not evveryone wwould suggest the day  
CA: wwait are you diurnal  
CA: like kan  
TG: no man my race never sleeps the day happens to be closer than the night is all  
CA: really  
CA: wwoww that is so fascinatin  
TG: were definitely something  
TG: gay by night straight by day and giant fangs and claws  
CA: wwhats gay and howw can you be straight by day wwhat does that mean does it havve somethin to do wwith the wway you wwalk or somethin  
CA: and didnt you mention your friend had herbivvore teeth so do herbivvores on your planet havve fangs  
TG: dude someone get this pranksters gambit away from me its dorkifying me  
CA: wwhat the fuck  
TG: i was yanking your chain bro  
CA: im not evven wwearin a metal linking devvice and youre on a different planet howw wwould you be yankin it  
TG: do you always have to take everything and its wrinkly age old gramma so serious fishbutt its weird as hell  
CA: wwait you wwere kiddin  
CA: maybe you should stop lyin so much then that wwould savve us both the embarassment  
TG: its not lying dog its called regular speech with a healthy amount of white wiseass hilarity youre the one who keeps taking everything at face value  
TG: really man its not my fault you have puppet dong so far up your ass you cant even bend let alone bother to bend down enough to join the common not alien folks down here to learn a bit of common sense  
TG: or at least get a grip on base sarcasm  
TG: useful stuff you know  
CA: can wwe get back to that ceasefire noww  
TG: no man we can never go back  
TG: one does not simply call a ceasefire  
CA: that made no sense in any context wwhatsoevver  
TG: that not making sense just makes you culturally depraved  
TG: which is quite the tragedy in its own right but i guess it does strengthen your case as being an alien which i suppose is why you ignored the reference since youre going to bust a nut trying to convince me of your alieny stuff now  
TG: but there is one reference from a certain fantasy movie i certainly havent quoted in this conversation before that no sane human being should be able resist  
TG: theyre taking the hobbits to isengard  
CA: davve  
CA: i havvent the slightest fuckin clue wwhat youre on about but its probably uncultured and dumb   
TG: no man  
TG: gard gard gard  
CA: wwhat  
TG: thats how the meme ends get with the time eripluff  
TG: or well rather how it doesnt end but thats just semantics  
TG: it was said by merlin  
TG: yes im pretty much completely fucking sure that was said by merlin  
CA: then this merlin person must havven been an idiot because that wwas pointless and a wwaste a time  
TG: okay man now im starting to feel kind of guilty for making fun of you  
TG: and im starting to believe the whole alien thing just a little  
TG: i mean what kind of backwater hole do you have to be from to be able to resist belting out gard gard gard after that line its just  
TG: inhumane  
CA: i havve no idea wwhat youre goin on about but i guess if it got the results i wwant i dont really mind  
CA: so can wwe do this ceasefire thing noww then  
CA: you believve im an alien and vvice vversa  
TG: where doing this man  
TG: where making this hapen  
CA: davve wwhat the fuck  
TG: im going to teach you little grasshopper  
TG: everything about human culture you need to know to grow up into a civilized sentient species  
TG: repeat after me  
TG: all your base are belong to us  
CA: i  
CA: i cant decide wwhether to believve youre fuckin with me again or youre just ingesting wway more fuckin sopor than you should  
TG: its over 9000  
CA: wwhat the amount of sopor you snorted up i can believve that wwith almost any kind of measurin scale you could apply to that number  
TG: leave britney alone  
CA: wwhat the fuck wwho is britney wwhat the hell are you goin on about  
CA: wwhat the fuckin hell is this madness  
TG: madness  
TG: this is sparta  
CA: wwhat  
TG: leeeeeeeroooooooyyyy  
TG: jeeeenkiiiiiiinssssssssss  
TG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0  
CA: i havve no idea wwhat youre tryin to do here  
CA: but your dumb uncivvilised human wwebpage just givves me an error message  
TG: lies and slander  
TG: that link has never failed me before  
TG: i say there is a  
TG: troll in the dungeons  
CA: im on a fuckin boat smartass  
TG: youre on a boat  
TG: right i forgot youre a space opera mermaid  
CA: seatroll not fuckin mermaid wwhatevver the fuck that is  
TG: sea troll  
TG: wait youre no kidding saying your species is called seatrolls  
CA: no seatrolls are a subspecies of normal trolls  
CA: better than the avverage wworthless landdwweller a course  
TG: trolls  
TG: so are you these weird ass little guys with the plucky neon hair bro ironically has little doll thingies of or the giant warty clubbing things to death collecting toll under bridges kind of trolls then  
CA: wwat the fuck that sounds hideously barbaric  
CA: besides havving colored hair is a rare genetic trait and not in any wway unnatractivve you fuckin dick  
TG: so you do have neon hair then  
CA: not neon no ivve got a natural discoloration in one pluck the rest is completely normal and black  
TG: huh  
TG: you know what im not actually all that interested in what your roleplaying persona looks like but that sounds like a pretty sueish trait from what i know about those from my dear purple prose loving friend rose  
CA: wwhat the fuck does my flarp character havve to do wwith my hair and wwhy does your friend use purple prose is she a highblood too  
TG: if youre talking about her blood pressure i dont know shes a pretty cool galactic anicent tentacle monster god loving cucumber  
CA: so you guys wworship the old gods too  
TG: oh man youre a cthulhu cultist too  
TG: wait i promised id try to respect that youre an actual alien didnt i  
TG: you know what buddy i think this is quite enough cultural exchange for the night  
CA: i guess so  
CA: you make absolutely no sense wwhatsoever most of the time but youvve givven me quite a bit to think about i guess  
TG: you too  
TG: but its getting late and my bed is singing love poems and sonnets at me so im giving into the temptation and making to show it some sweet lovins  
CA: wwhat the fuck is a bed  
TG: a thing you sleep in fucknuts  
CA: like a recuperacoon  
TG: bubble butt  
TG: ill go out of my way to capitalise this for you since you seem to be missing the social cue here  
TG: GOOD NIGHT

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: i dont get it  
CA: wwait hold on  
CA: oh come on  
CA: whiny rude ass fucking aliens

\---

ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: hey dude!  
EB: what’s up?  
EB: and please don’t start rapping bro it makes you sound like a tool!  
TG: a tool  
EB: you are the biggest tool dave, it is you. ;)  
TG: sick burns john  
TG: wounded ego aside though has the universe decided its like completely fucking illegal to just start out with a friendly greeting these days jesus christ someone call the karma police the world is getting overrun by assholes and apparently i was a bad bad boy in my past life because all of them have my chumhandle  
EB: sheesh dave no need to get all pissy on me! besides i so properly greeted you, i even said hello and everything.  
EB: really though is everything okay. you sound kind of upset. ):  
TG: sorry bro i didnt mean to get all giant raging douche on you  
TG: i just  
TG: remember those trolls bugging us all the time a while ago  
TG: have any of them been giving you trouble  
EB: not since i changed my chumhandle no! i sure got them good, whipped them right off of my trail.  
EB: are they still bothering you then? you should just change your handle! it worked for me!  
TG: no man im not going to run away because one deluded troll who thinks hes a multicolored fish alien noble pirate on a ship or whatever is hounding my ass  
EB: what? oh man is one of them bothering you that much?  
TG: not really  
EB: i suddenly don’t understand anything?!  
TG: hes an okay guy i guess  
TG: its just hes either so deluded he believes his own stuff or just a really fantastic liar with the most perfect grasp on irony ever and its grating on my nerves and curbing my cool  
EB: you were never all that cool to begin with though so that’s not a huge loss!  
TG: ow man  
TG: kick a dude in the creamlumps why dont you  
EB: the cream lumps? sheesh, you’re really off your game aren’t you?  
TG: shhhh john dont try to understand the many layers of irony of creamlumps your feeble mind wont be able to catch on  
EB: pfweeee whatever you say dude. i think i was happier off not knowing that euphemism though, why can’t you just call them balls or nads like everyone else does?  
TG: now youre the one trying to curb my flow  
EB: anyways, you were telling me about this troll dude.  
EB: is or isn’t he bothering you?  
TG: i guess he sort of is but its also kind of fun in a really dorky way sometimes so its not like its all burning hellhounds and eyescream torture  
EB: so is he bothering you or not?  
TG: well overall its kind of like im more the one trolling him though that could be his really well played out internet persona too i guess  
TG: i just  
TG: i struck a deal with him and now i have to pretend i believe his alien stuff  
EB: haha, looks like you got caught by a very good prankster!  
TG: i guess so  
TG: its just that there havent really been any contradictions in his little roleplaying scenario yet and it makes me consider that all of it might be real sometimes which makes my head hurt  
EB: so take an aspirin! i guess if he was really an alien that would be so cool! but seriously, he’s probably just fucking with you.  
TG: i know that okay  
EB: well ill at least have to give him credit for being a good troll if he can rile you up like this! but hey, i gotta go! dad promised to watch con air with me if i finished my homework and piano practice early. later dude!  
TG: that movie again huh why dont you just marry a picture of nic cages face itll even have the same amount of facial expressions and emotional depth as the real thing  
EB: only if you marry that picture of ben stiller that i totally know for certain you’ve still got on your wall!  
TG: totally man we can have a joint wedding and everything that was why you were waiting with proposing wasnt it you wanted to know wed do the best bros forever thing and step into the biggest day of our lives together  
EB: snap! you totally caught me! now i just have to buy flowers and reserve a table at some fancy restaurant and my proposal will be perfect!  
EB: anyways like i said i really do have to go. i’ll talk to you later!  
TG: yeah tell me how it went and dont skip any details  
TG: and after the gossip bits are over with we can bend and obsess over wedding plans like the groomzillas of oz  
TG: anyways later

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]


	4. Feelings

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CA: hey  
TG: sup eribubble  
CA: wwould it kill you to use my name correctly just once  
TG: i would totally be on that my most precious gillywaggle  
TG: but im not all that good at remembering keyboardsmashes and stuff that resembles them  
CA: you forgot my name  
TG: i forgot your name  
CA: i glubbin hate you sometimes

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: omg  
TG: i cant even  
TG: stop it  
TG: just this once  
TG: pfweeee

\---

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CA: its eridan grubnuts  
TG: grubnuts thats a new one  
TG: and i know  
CA: you said you forgot  
TG: ive got a log history you know it took me like two minutes to look it up erididdle  
CA: so use my fuckin name correctly already  
TG: nope  
TG: ngl your name is dumb  
CA: my name is perfectly sophisticated and wwell suited to someone of my fuckin stature thank you vvery much  
TG: of course it is  
TG: you know the only ones who wouldnt think that rainbow caste systems hippie new age names and noble mermaids are weird are aliens  
CA: there is nothin wweird about any a that though  
TG: im just waiting for you to bring up the unicorns bro  
CA: the wwhat  
TG: the noble horned steeds gallivanting through lush greenwood shitting rainbows and farting joy and sparkles  
CA: you are so full a shit  
TG: you love it  
CA: sometimes i wwonder wwhy i talk to you youre just wweird  
TG: and then you remember youve vowed to be attached to my premium behind forevermore because aliens  
CA: i guess bein an alien wwould be a pretty decent ground to beg for forgivveness for your wweirdness  
TG: hey now whose begging if anything you should be on your knees or tentacles or noodles or whatever you stand slash float slash hobble around on sponging up to me for answers to your educated questions  
CA: youre forgivven for bein a wweird alien davve also it wwas probably wweird hoofbeastshit again so i didnt read any a that  
TG: wow are you in need of an ego boost today or something  
TG: trounce on so many poor alien feelings so youll feel better about yourself or something  
CA: i dont need a boost im already higher on the system than almost anyone  
TG: i am an alien i reject your dumb system  
TG: im also not on it youre not better than me  
CA: a course i am  
CA: but i dont mind mingling with the lowwer beins for a wwhile until you understand my superiority  
TG: now youre just fucking with me  
CA: maybe  
CA: yes i am  
CA: i vvalue your opinions and company and shit davve  
TG: such touching sincerity  
CA: exactly  
CA: so i had a question  
TG: what else is new  
CA: wwhat is your earth human planetary defense system like  
TG: ...  
TG: dude  
CA: too much?

\---

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

TG: sup  
CA: hnguh  
TG: just so you know man im just sort of imagining you sitting at your desk gnawing on a scarf or something right now and the gesture somehow carrying into this conversation like a boss  
CA: howw did you knoww  
TG: are you fucking serious  
TG: you are such a pathetic weird as fuck douchecanoe you know that tier ten of alien stupid and a dash of fucking horseshit  
TG: really were you dropped on your head as a baby or something   
CA: wwoww thats some black overtures youre makin at me davve sorry but i think the fact that youre an alien and stuff wwould make things too complicated evven for me and thats sayin somethin  
TG: what  
TG: oh god not your stupid alien romance bullshit again i told you you guys are doing love wrong that is just gross  
TG: no i dont want to hateflirt with you or however it works  
CA: wwhatevver aliens are wweird i suppose i can alloww some misinterpeted signs like this to be a thin that is happenin  
CA: wwhat is a baby by the wway   
TG: its a tiny monster that walks on four legs and throws magic fireballs at people that lie too often  
CA: magic isnt real you glubbin ass  
TG: oh right that is a thing that gets to you  
TG: no babies are little humans fresh from the womb all pink and tiny and wrinkly as shit  
CA: wwomb  
CA: oh my cod you guys are mammals  
CA: that is so fuckin disgustin you guys seriously carry your wigglers inside of your body  
TG: whoa man thats racist  
TG: i think  
TG: or would that be specieist  
TG: speciesist  
TG: how would you even spell that  
TG: huh  
TG: guess ill ask rose sometimes  
TG: but yeah humans are mammals so trolls lay eggs or something  
CA: you knoww wwhat lets not discuss reproduction right noww  
TG: whatever man so what do you want to talk about then if fantastical tales of troll copulation and egg magic is off the table  
CA: you seem sort a angry today  
CA: i knoww im not your moirail or anythin but do you wwant to talk about it  
TG: dude no im not going to discuss feelings with an alien who has creepy quadrant courtships going on and accuses me of wanting his hateboner  
TG: if you even have a dick fuck alien physiology  
CA: youre not really askin about my bulge are you because im not goin to lie that is kind a wweird and creepin me out a little  
TG: for fucks sake no i dont even want to know about alien bulges whatever those are  
TG: you know what if you want to talk about feelings lets just talk about your feelings because this coolkid is way too rad to be yammering about girls to someone like you  
CA: huh you knoww hearin you mention girls is kind a a lot more disturbin noww that i knoww youre mammals because female mammals carry the wigglers right  
CA: sorry i mean babies  
TG: oh my fucking god we are not talking about jade and babies in one chatlog im only fucking thirteen she lives on an island in the middle of fuck knows where and oh right were also both thirteen  
CA: jade huh  
TG: eributt  
TG: no  
TG: you will not continue this tangent of conversation  
TG: this conversation is as dead as a rabbit on a shooting range  
TG: that has been stepped on a few times and thrown into the ocean in some place that happens to have sharks  
CA: please  
CA: dont mention sharks  
CA: i dont like sharks  
TG: what  
TG: okay ive been accused of being random in the past but that literally came out of nowhere  
CA: look im a seadwweller remember i used to livve in the ocean and i had some bad experiences wwith sharks before i dont wwant to talk about it  
TG: you actually seem quite eager to talk about it and i think you just want me to ask so in a superior gesture of passive aggressiveness as taught to me by the fantastic doctor rose lalonde teen psychiatrist extraordinaire but not really im going to go back to an earlier part of the conversation instead of asking about the sharks im going to let you talk about your feelings  
TG: because you seem kind of out of it too lacking your usual jump on anything that is human attitude and i wont lie its not helping my mood  
TG: so im magnanimously letting you talk about romantic shit so i can laugh at your teen drama to make myself feel better about operation harley plan f  
CA: im no expert on human feelins but youvve been tellin me a lot for someone wwhose not wwillin to glub about feelins  
CA: but im not goin to refuse if youre offerin since i cant exactly go to my moirail about this  
CA: i think i told you before right that the girl im flushed for is my moirail  
CA: meanin shes all diamonds wwhile im all about hearts you knoww  
TG: you know what i really dont but do go on while i go track back to find cgs shouty rant on quadrants to help me translate the alienspeak  
CA: oh  
CA: ok  
CA: wwell shes been talkin about this thin that happens on alternia durin the dim season shes been wwantin to see for a wwhile noww where the sky gets sort of lit up in all these colors at night and stuff  
TG: the northern lights  
CA: is that wwhat you call them  
CA: wwell anywways shes been talkin about it forevver but since shes the princess shes not allowwed to leavve her lusus because if glbgolybs vvoice gets too loud people wwill start dyin  
CA: wwhich is actually a pretty fuckin damn good thin if you ask me i mean wwho the hell cares aboat havvin a feww less a those fuckin landdwwellers around right  
TG: whoa whoa hold on a moment  
TG: from what i figured a lusus is like a parent right  
TG: ive heard about killer tunes but killing people by talking loudly is new you gotta fill me in here  
TG: also a wild fishpun appeared  
CA: wwhats a parent  
TG: right weve been here before when i got kind of annoyed because what kind of piss ass alien race would want to come all up into my face going yeah fuck reproduction we dont need no parents  
TG: doesnt make sense bro  
CA: wwait are you talkin about ancestor because that is fucked up  
CA: no wwait i think i get it  
CA: since youre mammals you wwould actually knoww your ancestors  
CA: at least scientifically right  
TG: dude there is nothing even remotely scientific about anything you just said  
TG: like that made no sense in any context whatsoever  
TG: but yeah most human kids know their mom of course i crashed down on a meteor superman style so i dont have one of those  
CA: so a mom is some kind of parent  
TG: yeah the female one  
CA: wwhale  
TG: fish pun  
CA: wwhat the fuck yes i knoww wwhat are you pointin that out for  
TG: no need to get stingy bubblebutt now whats a lusus  
CA: its like  
CA: our caretakers  
CA: after wwe get through the grub trials wwe get picked out by a lusus and they take care of us throughout our livves  
TG: and feferis literally blabs trolls to death  
CA: wwell its more like singin but yeah wwhen her vvoice gets louder people start dyin   
TG: and youre not worried about this for some reason  
CA: the lowwbloods are affected first as long as i step in and help fef feed her before she gets too loud ill be fine  
TG: oh yeah rainbowblood racism stuff  
TG: you know as a redblooded person i really should be talking you out of that shit because id count as a lowblood and because you know racism is actually kind of lame  
CA: wwhoa i didnt mean to insult you or anythin i knoww youre an alien the hemospectrum doesnt apply to you im sure youre wway better than any lowwblood  
TG: sometimes i look at how your replies relate to the shit i just said and wonder if you need glasses or something because if my point is texas then yours is alaska  
CA: i already havve glasses  
CA: and i didnt mean to insult you  
CA: i knoww its not vvery cultured a me and im sure ill regret it soon enough but do you want a diamond  
TG: what  
CA: <>  
TG: no  
TG: dude  
TG: get your creepy alien pityboner or hugfest or whatever far away from me i agreed to listen to your problems that doesnt mean im ready to dive into the deep waters with you  
CA: dont sell yourself short noww davve youre pretty fuckin good at feelins jams  
TG: im not selling myself short dude dave strider is no sale article its all premium and rare and shit   
CA: oh cod just accept the glubbin compliment and the diamond i dont cheat on my moirayeel that lightly you knoww  
TG: its a double fishpun combo  
CA: stop pointin that out  
TG: okay fine so lets get back on track your girlfriends lusus is some weird thing that sings people to death and you help her feed it  
TG: can we have an awww from the audience because eribaby has a heart after all helping his girlcrush prevent her lususthing from carolling everyone to death each christmas  
CA: wwhat the fuck thats not it at all  
CA: but if i keep helpin her shell havve to see howw perfect wwe are for each other evventually because she doesnt like helpin me cull lusii  
TG: you just lost me   
CA: glbgolyb eats lusii  
TG: lusii being plural for lusus  
TG: okay that is admittedly kind of really creepy and that actually really sounds like she should take her keyboardsmash lusus behind the woodshed and blow it a new hole  
CA: wwhat  
CA: are you sayin wwhat i think youre sayin  
TG: if you think im saying that that is fucked up   
CA: you just said she should get rid of glbgolyb  
CA: davve that is HERESY  
CA: glbgolyb isnt just her custodian shes a missionary of the old gods a great ancient bein that has lorded ovver the alternian oceans FOREVVER YOU CANT JUST SUGGEST SOMEFIN LIKE THAT  
TG: whoa dude sorry i didnt mean to get your goat like that   
CA: NO REELLY DONT YOU KNOWW HOW DISRESPECTFUL YOURE BEIN  
TG: hey hey im an alien remember  
CA: right  
CA: sorry aboat that i  
CA: thats just not reelly somethin you should be jokin about okay  
TG: noted  
TG: leave the ancient seadwelling thing with the keyboardsmashname and killer voice alone  
TG: got it  
TG: but if that thing is a lusus that eats other lusii  
TG: where the heck do you get the other lusii  
CA: from other trolls a course  
TG: so you basically  
TG: kill other kids parents to help out your girlfriend with her mom to prevent a lot of others from dying even though you actually want others to die  
TG: and you see nothing wrong with this picture  
CA: a course not  
TG:…  
TG: okay ill just keep all the levels of how fucked up that is to myself  
CA: wwhat  
TG: no really dude  
TG: which reminds me you mentioned you were collecting information on humans for a reason right  
CA: thats right to use them as a tactical advvantage for her imperial condescensions fleet  
CA: though ivve been thinkin lately that it might be better to keep it to myself and then use it to my advvantage when im commandin my owwn ship  
CA: so dont wworry youvve probably got some sixty or so swweeps left unless she finds you first  
TG: right  
TG: thats very reassuring  
TG: you were telling me about love problems please tell me your fucking problems before i block you for being creepy  
CA: wwhat  
CA: did i say somethin wwrong  
CA: you knoww the conquerin thin isnt personal right i wwould do that to any alien i spoke to probably  
TG: eridan  
TG: im going to pretend im as cool as a cucumber in the freezer despite the fact that im talking to a genocidal alien and being roast alive what with the fucking ac being broken like usual so just go on with the love horseshit okay  
CA: oh  
CA: wwell if you say so  
CA: youre not angry wwith me or anythin right  
TG: not really  
TG: i told you  
TG: im cool  
TG: antartica all up in this bitch  
TG: its cool were cool everything is cool  
TG: were buddies and nothing is weird or creepy at all  
CA: okay  
CA: just so you knoww youre actin kind of wweird  
TG: eriblublebubblegum  
TG: feelings  
TG: now  
CA: okay then wwhere wwas i  
TG: northern lights and killer medleying lusii  
CA: right wwell i offered to take fef to see the dim seasons lights in the sky but she refused because she has to stay and take care of her lusus wwhich i totally understand a course  
TG: so youre upset why  
CA: wwell the wway she refused wwas kind a  
CA: harsh  
TG: now you got me curious for the juicy bits bubbleblowfish  
TG: what did she say  
CA: hold on a moment ill post the chatlog  
TG: waiting with bated breath honeybubble  
CA: wwhat is it wwith you and the wweird names thin  
TG: dunno  
TG: they just suit you i guess  
CA: wwhatevver  
CA: CA: wwhale youvve been talkin about the lights for a wwhile noww and i got finkin that if you reely want to go i could take you  
CA: CC: STOP trying to trick me into leaving my lusus alone because it won’t work! 3>8(  
CA: CA: wwhat no i just thought that since you wwanted to go i could take you nofin else i swwear  
CA: CC: Don’t be STUPID! I want to go see the lig)(ts wit)( someone SP-ECIAL, not your boring halibutt. You’d just glub about your dumb personal drama all day 38/.  
CA: CA: are you sayin im not special enough then  
CA: CC: Oh come on, we’ve known each other forayver! Besides, eel need you to feed my lusus if i go off to see the lig)(ts wit)( my potential matesprit!  
CA: CA: wwait does that mean you already knoww wwho you wwant to go wwith  
CA: CC: O)(? Since w)(en do you want to )(ear about MY feelings?  
CA: CA: wwhat are you sayin youre my morayeel a course i wwant to hear your feelins thats wwhat im here for  
CA: CC: 38/  
CA: CC: To give me a perchmanent )(eadache! And you’re damn good at that you aholehole.  
CA: CA: but fef  
CA: CC: Stop! I’m not herring any more about this!  
TG: wow  
TG: and here i thought feferi was supposed to be a nice person  
CA: wwhat she is fefs amazin  
TG: yeah im not going into that but what are you going to do if she does have someone else in mind for her heart quadrant  
CA: challenge them to a duel to the death a course  
TG: youre serious arent you  
CA: wwhy wwould i joke about somethin like that  
TG: look man that is just basically shooting yourself in the foot you know  
TG: shes not going to like you killing the love interest shes picked for herself and just run into your arms because youve decided you are a better match for her  
TG: im not even into the whole romance deal and even i know thats just not how it works  
CA: if youre not into the wwhole romance deal then wwhat about jade  
TG: shut up  
CA: anywway i dont think you understand davve fef and me wwe wwere born to be together  
CA: shes the princess and im the highest on the hemospectrum in our swweep other than her wwe wwere made for each other  
CA: there shouldnt be anyone else thats like taking a shit right on top of fate or somethin  
TG: i dont know man  
TG: no matter what the movies say killing for her isnt exactly romantic and considering you kill parents to feed hers i dont really think youre star crossed lover material  
TG: as far as i know thats kind of like this thing meant for pure innocent souls and the only innocent thing about you is the way you freeze up every time troll reproduction comes up  
TG: and the whole royalty is meant for royalty trope has been one dead puppy kicked down and stepped on for decades   
CA: listen davve i knoww you mean wwell probably but if all youre goin to do is tell me fuckin nonsense like that ivve got better things to do  
CA: in fact ivve got a flarpin campaign wwith vvris comin up so ill leavve you to wwhatevver youre doin other than tryin to tell me im wwrong pityin fef  
TG: hey hold up no need to get your knickers in a twist

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: dave motherfucking strider the boy who had a row with an alien  
TG: cool story bro

\---

carcinoGenetecist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: LOOK STRIDER, I KNOW I SAID I WAS GOING TO TROLL YOU AGAIN ON A MORE OPPORTUNE MOMENT, POSSIBLY ONE HAPPENING BY THE TIME YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH OF A GRUBFUCKING WIGGLER WITH YOUR HEAD SO FAR UP YOUR NOOK THAT YOU JUST STEAMROLL MY WELL INTENTIONED ADVICE AND STUFF IT RIGHT INTO BILLIOUS SLICKS BULBOUS BEHIND BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE FUCKING MOMENT.  
CG: JUST ONE MOMENT OF YOUR TIME AND YOU WONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME FOR LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO GET BACK INTO THE ILLUSION THAT I’M JUST SOME RANDOM FIFTEEN SWEEPS OLD ASSHAT ON THE INTERNET OUT TO PAIL YOU OR WHATEVER YOU THINK IN THAT PUNY HUMAN LITTLE BRAIN OF YOURS.  
TG: oh hey man  
TG: kar or whatever your name is  
CG: IT’S KARKAT YOU BULGEMUNCHER. AND HOW THE HORNFONDLING FUCK DO YOU KNOW MY NAME!?  
CG: NO WAIT NEVER MIND, I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT.  
TG: yeah eribubbles told me so do you have any idea how long a sweep is in human years  
CG: FUCK THAT GUY. RIGHT UP THE WASTE CHUTE.  
CG: AND A SWEEP IS A BIT MORE THAN TWO FLIMSY EARTH HUMAN YEARS I THINK.  
TG: k thanks  
TG: later  
CG: NO, WAIT. YOU DO NOT GET TO SPOUT YOUR HOOFBEAST EXCREMENT AT ME AND THEN LEAVE BEFORE I’VE EVEN MADE MY POINT YOU COMPLETE AND TOTAL WASTE OF ECTOPLASM AND TEMPORAL MADNESS, YOU ARE LETTING ME FINISH WHAT I HAVE TO SAY WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.  
TG: whoops sorry i thought you were just rambling  
TG: its not like youve made any kind of point though for all the crazy word count youre racking up  
CG: THEN STOP DISTRACTING ME SO I CAN GET TO IT STRIDER. REALLY, THE SOONER THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER WITH THE BETTER, BECAUSE YOUR FUCKING UGLY RED TEXT IS MAKING MY HEAD HURT.  
TG: im still not seeing any point to this  
CG: MY POINT, STRIDER, IS THAT YOU SHOULD STOP BEING SO FRIENDLY WITH ERIDAN AMPORA THIS INSTANT BEFORE SOMETHING DISASTROUS HAPPENS. LIKE IT ALREADY HAS. FUCK.  
CG: ANYWAYS, THIS THING BETWEEN YOU TWO NEEDS TO STOP. I MEAN, YOU’VE ONLY BEEN TALKING FOR A FEW WEEKS AND YOU’RE ALREADY MAKING DIAMONDS AT EACH OTHER LIKE NO TOMORROW AND NOT ONLY IS IT FREAKY AS SHIT BUT HE’S ALREADY GOT A MOIRAIL IN THAT TIMELINE AND COMMITTING ADULTERY WOULD JUST ADD ON TO THE LONG LIST THAT MAKE ERIDAN AMPORA THE BIGGEST LOSER IN THE UNIVERSE.  
TG: yeah man talking about feelings is totally going to make me want to jump right into his creepy alien romance system  
CG: IT IS NOT CREEPY YOU UNSOPHISTICATED PAILPOLISHER. OUR QUADRANT SYSTEM IS SUPERIOR TO YOUR UNDER-ADVANCES EARTH-HUMAN LOVE THING IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.  
CG: BUT WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT HE’S A HIGHBLOOD, MEANING HE GOES INTO HIGHBLOOD RAGES SOMETIMES AND HAVING A HACK MOIRAIL WHO LIVES IN ANOTHER UN- I MEAN, ON ANOTHER PLANET IS NOT GOING TO HELP WITH HIS FUCKING CONQUEROR COMPLEX.  
TG: we talked about this actually im pretty sure that knowing me isnt paramount to not destroying the human planet earth or however he put it  
CG: THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY NOT THE POINT STRIDER, THAT I AM ALMOST WILLING TO GIVE YOU EARTH CHOCOLATE PASTRY POINTS FOR IT. ANYWAYS, YOU SHOULD JUST STOP TALKING WITH ERIDAN. IT’S PRETTY MUCH A NUTRITION-BLOCK NUTRITION PREPARATION INSTRUCTIONAL RECORD FOR DISASTER.  
TG: why all the hate man i thought you guys were gossip buddies or something like that  
TG: and i dont think youre getting the concept of brownie points all that well  
CG: WE ARE MOST DEFINITELY NOT GOSSIP BUDDIES. IN FACT, WE ARE SO FAR FROM BEING FRIENDS THAT I COULD NOT HATE HIM ANYMORE IF I TRIED. PLATONICALLY.  
TG: wow thats harsh dude  
TG: youre not really making me anymore sympathetic to your case you know  
TG: i happen to be pretty fond of his fishy ass hes absolutely hilarious in how stupid he can be  
TG: and if the people he considers friends are all like you then he definitely needs all the tlc he can get because jesus dick you are a giant raging douchebag  
TG: and for all that he talks about killing stuff at least hes never told me anything but positive shit about his friends  
TG: well ok hes told me some crap about all of you but hes not exactly mister all positive moonbeams and rainbows hes just positive enough about you guys that it stands out against all of the complaining he does about everything else  
CG: WOW STRIDER, I HAD NO IDEA YOU HAD IT IN YOU. I’M NOT SURE WHETHER THIS GRANDIOSE DISPLAY OF HEARTS AND DIAMONDS SHOULD BE MAKING ME FEEL MOVED OR WANT TO HURL.  
CG: BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE WHOLE STORY. AND I ASSURE YOU THAT FOR SOMEONE WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVES HIS FRIENDS SO MUCH, ERIDAN IS CAPABLE OF SHIT BEYOND WHATEVER YOUR TINY HUMAN BRAIN CAN COME UP WITH.  
CG: FOR THIS ONE TIME I CAN COMPLETELY SINCERELY SAY MY ADVICE IS NOT MEANT TO CONDESCENDING OR MEANT TO HURT YOU IN ANY WAY OR WHATEVER: STOP. TALKING. TO ERIDAN.  
TG: yeah i think not  
TG: now please leave me alone fucknuts  
TG: im not in the mood for your little clubs party  
CG: MY WHAT?  
CG: WAIT  
CG: OH MY GOD!  
CG: I’M AUSPISTICING BETWEEN STRIDER AND AMPORA. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME.  
CG: NO, THIS IS NOT A THING THAT IS HAPPENING.  
CG: I AM GOING TO GET MY MOIRAIL AND HAVE HIM SHOOSHPAP THIS TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE RIGHT OUT OF MY THINK PAN.  
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, THINK ABOUT WHAT I JUST TOLD YOU.

carcinoGenetecist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: yeah have fun with that  
TG: asshole

\---

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

TG: hey girl  
GG: heeeeeeey guy ;)  
TG: you still chill  
GG: oh definitely! im completely cool!! ;p  
TG: good one atta girl  
GG: hehe  
GG: so whats got you all sad :(  
TG: how could i possibly be sad talking to all these amazing dudes and dudettes on the internet and even if i was what the hell   
GG: whoaaaaa!!!!!  
TG: what  
GG: hehe youre blushing arent you? soooo cuuuuuute ;)  
TG: what gives you that idea  
GG: i dont know  
GG: but youre typing pretty fast today  
TG: lady i always type fast gotta be swift like a strider to convey enough swag to keep the world turning  
GG: hmmmmmm  
TG: dont hmmmm me  
GG: well something is definitely bothering you  
GG: come on dave you can tell me!  
GG: thats what friends are for!!!!!!  
TG: okay fine you win  
TG: most of it is kind of weird though and i dont really want to tell you  
GG: :(!  
TG: dont sadface excamation point at me you  
TG: look i said i dont want to tell you most of it but i can tell you just a little bit okay just something i guess i can ask you without sounding completely insane  
GG: youre not insane dave!  
GG: i wouldnt think something like that you know ive known you long enough to know better!  
TG: yeah somehow that doesnt really make me feel better but thanks i guess  
TG: im not really sure how to word this though  
TG: like  
TG: what if you had this weird ass acquaintance  
TG: whose actually kind of really violent and shit and might actually be kind of insane  
TG: but youre kind of fond of him because he doesnt mean badly  
TG: except he totally does because hes a dick  
GG: uuhm  
TG: yeah okay this isnt really coming out right  
TG: so heres the thing  
TG: he likes this girl right   
GG: how cuuuuuute!!!!!  
TG: uh yeah super cute except to help her out he does like really stupid stuff like total dick move  
TG: while still acting like a complete ass probably but thats not the point  
GG: what kind of stupid stuff?! :o  
TG: he like  
TG: kills stuff  
GG: :o!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: what kind of stuff  
TG: oh right youre an awesome hunter chick you kill stuff too but thats not the same  
TG: he kills stuff thats like  
TG: parents and shit  
GG: he hunts beasts with young!!!!  
GG: i dont think i like your friend much dave  
TG: yeah well its kind of fucked up but he has to do it because the girl he likes has to do it and if she doesnt then a whole bunch of other guys are going to end up dead  
GG: .... :/  
GG: i dont get it  
TG: yeah it kind of doesnt really make sense in this context and even if i told you everything itd still be fucked up so im not even going to try that  
TG: what im getting to is that hes doing that for that girl he likes and i guess thats fine hes a big boy he can do what he wants  
TG: except he showed me this bit of a pesterlog between him and the girl and it was just like  
TG: shes kind of a bitch  
GG: awwww  
GG: youre worried about him!!!  
GG: i dont think this friend sounds all that nice but if youre worried about him then you should tell him what you think right!?  
GG: i mean if he loves her im sure he thinks he has good reasons for the things he does  
GG: but unless you tell him hell never know you think that way right  
GG: and as long as feferi is there youll never be his number one right?! :)  
TG: wait what  
TG: what the hell  
TG: harley what the hell was that  
TG: harley?  
GG: oh hey dave!  
TG: what the hell was that just now what do you mean his number one  
GG: ???  
GG: i dont know what youre talking about dave we only just started talking!  
GG: are you sure you werent imagining things? :o  
TG: oh for fucks sake  
TG: i dont want to deal with this right now  
TG: god  
TG: fucking  
TG: damn  
TG: ill talk to you later  
GG: okay!  
GG: but are you sure youre okay dave? you sound kind of angry!  
GG: do you want to talk about it?  
TG: no harley  
TG: i really dont  
TG: later  
GG: byebye!!!

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

cuttlefishCuller [CC] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

CC: )(ey morayeel!   
CA: fef wwhat is it i wwas just aboat to leavve  
CC: O)(! Whale don’t let me keep you!  
CA: no its okay ivve got a minute if its you  
CC: )(-E----E! Thanks!  
CA: so wwhat is it  
CC: I wanted to apologise! I mig)(t have been a bit... s)(ort wit)( you earlier.  
CA: wwait so wwhat does that mean  
CC: I s)(hooldnt have been so crabby! I could )(ave been nicer aboat telling you off!   
CA: oh  
CA: wwhale i guess thats ok  
CA: im goin to flarp wwith vvris noww  
CC: Okay 38D! Be CAR-EFULL!! <>   
CA: you too <>   
CC: )(-E-----E! W)(at do I need to be careful forel, seally? 

cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This actually turned into a pretty plot heavy chapter for a chapter that wasn't supposed to be very plot heavy. Huh.


	5. Space Reindeerfish

turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering caligulasAquarium  [CA]

TG: sup  
TG: did your alien larp party go over well  
TG: or whatever it was that game that sounded like larp  
TG: which is fucking lame man but hey im a coolkid i dont judge you for having lame as shit hobbies  
TG: so by creepy violent alien rules your larp is like a million times freakier than ours right is that where you go and get off on killing other kids parentthings with the weird ass names  
TG: wait sorry forgot i mentioned that im not trying to pick another fight or anything  
TG: would you say something already  
TG: this is dave strider to whatever planet eribubbles lives on  
TG: i have a missing alien to report who is actually not an alien to you because i guess youre your planets main inhabitants but who gives a fuck  
TG: i havent the slightest clue what he looks like but he has a purple streak in his hair and types doubling his ws and vs and has a pityboner for your princess  
TG: if found please report to dave strider in houston texas earth  
TG: ill reward you with a sword served cold  
TG: no seriously is anyone there  
TG: are you ignoring me now eributt come on how could you dont you know there are all these bitches lining up to be my conversational partner and here i am trying to contact your lame ass because ive deemed you worthy and youre not even answering  
TG: come on man being graced by the presence of a strider is an insanely rare and valuable experience youll regret not soaking every drop of my cool presence later  
TG: when youre older and a failure in life youll look back and think oh fuck if id just spend those priceless moments with dave strider taking notes on how to handle swag and bitches maybe i wouldnt be so lame now  
TG: thats not literally btw i dont think youre lame  
TG: no thats not true i think youre kind of lame but youre still amusing enough to spend time with me and my cool will rub off on you and shit  
TG: probably  
TG: eventually  
TG: am i just talking to myself here have you decided youre too good for me now  
TG: youre breaking my fragile maidens heart eriblub cant you hear it shatter from all the way over there wherever in the fucking universe you happen to be like all chinaware being thrown down and trampled on by a bunch of weird alien fishtrolls with horns  
TG: you had horns right  
TG: does that mean you guys just sort of butt your heads against each other when youre fighting like space fishgoats  
TG: all ole and running after red flags and stuff no wait those are bulls fuck  
TG: space fishbulls space fishbullgoats space fishgoatbulls  
TG: pick one  
TG: you know when someone says pick one you usually pick an answer  
TG: like hmm maybe i prefer fishbullantelope dave because those tangle horns together when theyre pissed too i think im an alien from space i dont know shit about your human zoology but i somehow happen to know what an antelope is because im insanely awesome like that admire me i have a cape  
TG: that kind of shit  
TG: wait no i have the perfect one  
TG: space reindeerfish  
TG: or do you like space fishmoose better  
TG: the space reindeerfish is a solitary creature that lives on a boat and tries to court someone who is already his pitypile girlfriend into becoming his pityboner girlfriend by slaughering parental figures of his fellow space reindeerrabbits or whatever the non fish version of the space reindeerfish would be to feed them to the thing that sings other space rabbitreindeerfish to death  
TG: it is a tragic existence that leads to the space reindeerfish being regarded as kind of a tool  
TG: a tool thats ignoring his best outer space buddy because he told him his pitypile girlfriend might be kind of a bitch  
TG: fine do you want me to take it back  
TG: feferi is obviously a lovely lady with no bad qualities about her at all or whatsoever and i adore her even though ive never spoken with her and i dont really intend to speak with any aliens other than you especially not the annoying ones who harrass me every once in a while like your buddy karkat  
TG: who is an asshole who should be shot just saying really i mean how the hell can you consider someone like that a friend  
TG: but ill shut up about your taste in friends see i can be non confrontational and shit  
TG: arent i a lovely friend  
TG: okay so im just going to assume there is an actual reason youre not answering me now because this is getting really lame  
TG: dude if youre there say something  
TG: please  
TG: look at that i even said please like a polite and good citizen if youre still ignoring me after that it makes you a huge fucking douchebag  
TG: dude  
TG: erifins  
TG: eributt  
TG: eribubble  
TG: eribaby  
TG: erigup  
TG: erigills  
TG: ediddilydoo  
TG: eddy  
TG: eripoo  
TG: erididdle  
TG: come on man  
TG: just answer me  
TG: unless you got eaten by a space oxwhale or monkeyhorse or whatever kind of shit runs around on your planet basically being fucked up like everything else there because you know thats kind of a thing with you guys being fucked up on almost ironic levels  
TG: space irony  
TG: that should totally be a thing except youre not really ironic and neither is mister caps lock of fury

ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: hey dave!  
EB: dave?  
EB: dude you should stop leaving your computer on when you aren’t there.  
TG: no im here  
EB: hey dave!  
TG: sup  
EB: took you long enough to answer, geez. were you making your dumb comics again?  
TG: no man sweet bro and hella jeff is awesome  
TG: let me tell you all about how awesome my webcomic is  
EB: no thanks! i’m not sure why you’re still making that stuff. does it even count as irony when it’s just plain shitty?  
TG: man egbert you do not understand the many many layers of irony  
EB: and i’m kind of glad i don’t because it’s lame!  
TG: your face is lame  
EB: that was the best comeback dave, how will i ever top that?  
EB: seriously though dave, usually you’re all over me the moment i get online.   
TG: all over you are you implying im some huge homo alien tick  
EB: ...  
EB: well i sure hope not because that would be kind of awkward. should i remind you again that i am not a homosexual?  
TG: oh man fuck no were not going there dude do not take my shit so seriously  
EB: i’m just saying it would be kind of awkward if that was some sort of confession. especially since that would have been pretty much the lamest confession in space.  
TG: in space  
TG: yeah hahaha  
EB: dude i was totally kidding and i know you were too, what’s with the weird reaction?  
TG: its nothing  
EB: it’s nothing is coolkid for i want to curl up on the couch watching movies and eating ice cream from the tub because my imaginary date didn’t show up, right?  
TG: youre hilarious  
EB: i know! so seriously, whats up?   
TG: like i said its nothing its just someone not answering my messages like a chump  
EB: oh man. you’re doing that thing where you leave people huge walls of text they have to wade through when they come back from like, getting food from their fridge.  
EB: has it even been ten minutes?  
TG: its been like fucking twelve minutes john shut up  
EB: you are such a loser sometimes dave!  
TG: fuck you  
EB: don’t worry dave, me rose and jade still love you even though you are the biggest dork in the universe.  
TG: man cooties bro  
EB: that was uncalled for, ewwww.

\---

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: John informs me you are suffering from the ‘friend is temporarily unavailable help they must be dead’ syndrome.  
TT: I am well aware of your incapability to not start doing pirouettes in place when one of your friends fails to instantly respond to your greetings, Strider.  
TT: But has it crossed your mind that perhaps this mysterious acquaintance of yours might have simply left his computer on while they went about their business, as you yourself are prone to do? Such is hardly a rare occurence.  
TT: If it wasn’t something that took place as it does, would shorthand such as ‘AFK’ have come into existence and be used as frequently as it is?  
TG: tldr  
TT: Very mature. Of course I am instantly entirely convinced you did not actually read what I just said, because you are not at all overly curious and because my opening statement was so incredibly long one’s eyes would never be able to stand up to the incessant amounts of murderous lavender.  
TG: rose stop using logic  
TT: Rose Lalonde uses rationality and sense. It is super effective.  
TG: i hate you  
TG: platonically  
TT: As opposed to? Unless you’re speaking of searingly passionate hate toeing the line of love on the sides of both participants, drawing them back to one another no matter how much they wish to stay together because their romance was written in the stars, etched in the very fabric of timespace like a sonnet to impossibilities and dalliance.  
TG: i dont think thats quite how it works  
TT: I have no idea what you meant by that.  
TG: yeah im not really going to explain this shit  
TT: Just like how you are not going to explain having formed an attachment outside of our little circle obscure enough for you to feel it appropriate to divulge any details about them beyond their general existance.  
TG: was that a question or a statement  
TG: and whos saying im hiding anything  
TT: By the sore lack of any question marks in that sentence one might be able to conclude it was indeed not an inquiry of any kind but an assertion.  
TT: And if you’ll let me, I’ll enlighten you with the power of deduction.  
TG: have you been reading sherlock holmes fanfiction now  
TG: dishonoring wizards not enough for you  
TG: anyways shoot  
TT: Why in the world would you assume I would waste my time on detective smut when there are majestic, time-bleached gray beards filled with the wisdom of many spells and dark rituals to fawn over?  
TT: Anyways, the extraordinary logic behind my stunning reasoning: You are currently talking to John, and Jade is not online.  
TG: thats it  
TT: It is all the evidence I need. Furthermore, you must have been speaking with this person for a decent amount of time for you to consider them important enough to waste your words and worries on the moment they vanish for a period of time. Not to mention John informed me not too long ago that you spoke with him about a certain ‘he’, though he didn’t say much on the subject. I can only make of that that this ‘he’ is not either yourself nor John, nor his father or your brother, which are the only he’s one would normally expect to hear from in your conversations, fictional characters and figures of certain renown barred.  
TG: suddenly words  
TT: I would, of course, not complain if you were to divulge some information on this ‘he’.  
TG: yeah no i dont think so

\---

EB: dave? you still there?  
TG: yeah yeah calm your mantitties john  
EB: my non-existent mantitties will not be calmed dave! i am now you! i will flail around until you decide to answer me!  
TG: dude i just did  
EB: yeah i know, still, you were pretty quiet. if i’m going to do a decent interpertation of you i should start flailing because of stuff like that right  
TG: so funny john why did you blab to lalonde anyways  
EB: because dave, rose knows everything! your every little secret she will draw from your lips. and because i was curious.  
TG: fuck you now she wont get out of my hair about this ugh  
TG: traitor  
EB: whatever bro, i just wanted to say i’m going to log off. too many movies to watch, too little time you know!  
TG: movies youve seen like a million times right  
TG: whatever man sure ditch me and my hurt feelings for liv tyler

\---

CA: wwhat the fuck  
CA: davve wwhat is this hoofbeastshit

\---

EB: i will! don’t get too stupidly worried or you’ll just get embarrassed when your friend gets back.  
TG: he just did hold on  
EB: hehe!  
TG: dont hehe me mister egbert  
EB: you’re so silly dave! but yeah good luck explaining your weird rant away!  
EB: later!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

\---

TG: yeah okay you probably just shouldnt read any of that   
CA: ivve already read all a it before i responded you fuckin wweirdo wwhat wwas all a that about  
TG: nothing you werent responding thats all  
CA: wworried about me davve  
CA: im flattered  
TG: no man just wondering if you were orphaning other kids again like a total fucking douchebag  
CA: see noww youre just doin that thin kar alwways does wwhen hes wworried wwhere hell start talkin bad about people because hes embarassed  
CA: its adorable  
TG: okay so first of all i am awesome not adorable or any other fluffy pink phrases of luminescent mushrooms and fairy dust  
TG: and second of all seriously dont even start on me having anything in common with that douchebag really not even just talking my cool taking a nosedive for the worse but that guy is just a complete and total dick and i seriously dont appreciate you comparing me to him so please just do not ever say were alike again  
TG: that sentence up there made no sense see thats because you made me upset you should go feel ashamed of yourself

\---

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: FUCK YOU RIGHT UP THE EARTH HUMAN WASTE CHUTE YOU FUCKING WALKING, BREATHING, UNTHINKING WASTE OF MOLECULES EXISTING SOLELY TO DISGRACE YOUR ENTIRE POOR, SHITTY, FUCKED UP SPECIES, VOMITING AROUND THESE WORDS THAT YOU THINK ARE SO CLEVER BUT THAT REALLY JUST MAKE IT OBVIOUS WHAT A COMPLETE AND UTTER HEAP OF ANIMATED EARTH HUMAN HORSESHIT YOU ARE.  
CG: I AM SO IMMENSELY SUPERIOR TO YOU THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND WHAT A FANTASTIC COMPLIMENT ERIDAN HAS JUST UNWITTINGLY PAID YOU BY COMPARING YOU TO MY INTENSE AWESOMENESS.  
CG: AND WHEN I SAY ERIDAN I ACTUALLY MEAN THAT UNFORGIVABLE WALKING EMBARRASSMENT I AM ASHAMED TO ADMIT I WAS AT ONE POINT FRIENDS WITH.  
CG: IGNORE I EVER USED JUST HIS FIRST NAME, I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY.

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG: I’M GOING TO LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT. FOR NOW.  
CG: GO RELISH IN THE IDEA YOU’VE WON, FUCKASS.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

\---

CA: oh come on davve kar isnt that bad  
TG: yes he is and why the fuck did you tell him i said that  
CA: i didnt tell him anythin  
CA: he isnt evven online  
TG: the fuck he isnt then what the hell was that grey wall of caps lock just flooding my screen also blocking him doesnt work either you guys are all assholes  
CA: hey i didnt tell anyone anythin are you delusional or somethin  
TG: ugh you know what never mind  
CA: so wwere you wworried  
TG: let me tell you about this dumb thing some dumb folks do sometimes bubbles  
TG: its called leaving the computer on while theyre afk for longer than a few minutes leaving their poor bored friends with the illusion they might be up for an invigorating chat while theyre actually not but are just too lazy to log out for a couple of mins  
CA: so you wwere wworried  
CA: davve i wwas just spongein my lusus  
TG: spongein  
TG: what the fuck is spongein no wait you mean you were giving them a spongebath or somehting  
CA: pretty much yeah he gets kind a cantankerous if i dont keep him properly moist because his skin gets itchy  
TG: youve told me before lususes are like troll parents but now youve got me confused again  
TG: are they like not trolls or something is that what were getting at here or is it a fishtroll like you  
TG: do you need spongebaths to take care of your skin too or do you like live underwater ariel style in your own alien sea grotto filled with weird alien land gizmos  
CA: ivve told you before i livve on a ship  
CA: its lusii not lususes  
CA: and no my lusus is not a troll that wwould be wweird the adults are wway too busy to do somethin plebeian like look after fuckin kids like me my lusus is a seahorse  
TG: a seahorse  
TG: dude  
TG: your old man is a seahorse  
CA: wwhat  
TG: ive seen seahorses  
TG: theyre like the size of my hand  
CA: wwhat no wwere talkin lusus naturae hippocampus not normal seahorses idiot my lusus is taller than i am  
TG: im not sure whether that means thats just one giant seahorse or that youre just really tiny  
TG: for shits and giggles im going to go with the latter one because space invader aliens the size of my hand watch me cower in fear  
CA: vvery funny davve  
TG: so whats killer singer keyboardsmash then some kind of bird or maybe a cat or something i can see a cats jazz killing people  
CA: wwhat you mean glbgolyb  
TG: who else would i be talking about unless there are more deadly ditties around where you live  
CA: none that i knoww a but glbgolyb is kind a special  
CA: one a a kind if you wwould  
CA: i think i said it before but shes a missionary a the old gods so shes not really a standard lusus naturae and i havve no clue wwhat a cat is but shes probably not one a them  
CA: she livves in the ocean and is pretty big from wwhat ivve seen  
TG: from what youve seen  
CA: yeah i dont really get all that close on a regular basis  
TG: didnt you say you helped feferi with feeding the undersea keyboardsmashmonster  
TG: lovecraftian evangelist whatever  
CA: wwell yeah but i just kill stuf fefs the one wwho brings it to her  
CA: her wwhispers wwont affect me as fast as they wwould a lowwblood but im still pretty sure shed gobble me right up the moment she saww me she doesnt really tolerate anyone other than fef stayin out of sight is safer  
TG: great yep that thing is still creepy as shit so what does it look like then   
CA: vvery huge wwith a lot a tentacles  
TG: tentacles  
TG: your friends killer mom is a giant ancient magic fucking space octopus   
CA: not magic davve magic is just a wwiggler fantasy and yeah i guess she is kind a an octopus but not really  
TG: okay hold on ive got to tell rose i know someone who knows a real life dubious fauna space octopus of doom  
TG: you can explain to me why you know what a seahorse and an octopus is but have no idea what a cat is supposed to be right after okay

\---

TT: You’ve always been on the socially reclusive side, Dave.  
TT: Before you inquire, that was hardly a rebuttal. I do not believe any of us, ‘us’ pertaining Jade, John, you, and myself, have any significant social relationships outside of one another and certain familial ties with whom relations might not always run smoothly and cordially.  
TT: Therefore you cannot imagine my surprise to catch a whiff of the fragrance of secrecy and deceit concerning this mysterious ‘he’. Certainly if you of all people are unwilling to wag your tongue and burry me in a waterfall of bright red narrative documenting everything there is to know regarding this ‘him’ there is something afoot.  
TT: Consider it my adeptness in the noble and thorny craft that is psychological analysis and execution that led to this sudden, unexpected succession of unsuccessfully kept secrets causing a single crystalline, silver-lined bell of warning to ring in the back of my head.  
TT: Why, I wondered, would my dear friend Dave Strider deliberately keep himself from informing me about this sudden, unexpected development. After all keeping secrets is definitely not a thing he is good at with his utter inability to stay silent about anything. The Dave Strider I know eagerly awaits the moment where one allows him to unleash his verbal smackdowns regarding important events, the weather or his beverage of choice to anyone who is willing to listen.  
TT: Then I realised with shock and horror that this was not the first time he has betrayed my trust and shattered my fragile, shriveled black heart so.  
TT: The last time my good friend failed to inform me of something it was regarding to his romantic inclinations to a mutual friend of ours, I remembered. Of course at the time he’d deluded himself into believing that I would not figure this out using my special brand of psychology and dark majyks combined with his inconspicuous changes of subject arising any time out mutual friend Jade was even so much as mentioned.  
TT: So I simply feel obliged to ask you the following question.  
TT: Dave, do you have a mystery boyfriend you’ve been keeping me in the dark about?  
TT: Are you ignoring me, Dave?  
TT: Oh for fuck’s sake.  
TG: yeah i was soz that friend of mine came back  
TG: hold on im going to read that entire tldr in a minute but first  
TG: i know someone who knows someone who knows a real life fluthulhu or however you spell that get on your knees and kiss my feet in wonder woman  
TT: …  
TG: hold on  
TG: are you fucking kidding me  
TT: Are you kidding me?  
TG: no im not rose what the fuck  
TT: Your paramour has ties to the zoologically dubious? I am suddenly a lot more curious about this man. Considering my previous curiosity regarding to the matter, this is an immense accomplishment.  
TG: fuck rose no where is this even coming from  
TT: No need to be shy, Dave. There is no shame in admitting your homosexual tendencies and indulging in said tendencies.   
TG: lalonde  
TG: rose  
TG: you perfect snarky broad who i admire with the fiery intensity of every single raging hardon of the many sad tragic basement dwellers drooling over their precious animes  
TG: this conversation never happened  
TG: i am going to erase this horseshit from my memory  
TG: unremember it like a boss  
TT: I do suppose that sufficiently answers my question.  
TT: I shall take my leave now. Good luck with your little... tête-à-tête with your sweetheart.  
TG: no rose seriously stop saying shit like that 

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

\---

CA: wwhat do you evven mean by that an octopus is an octopus a seahorse is a seahorse ivve nevver evven heard a a cat  
CA: davve wwhat are you doin youre takin forevver  
CA: should i return the earlier favvor and just ramble until you get back  
CA: because thats dumb and i really dont wwant to do that  
CA: thats not like fuckin alien etiquette or somethin right  
TG: no its not   
CA: good so wwhat is a cat  
TG: small fuzzy animal with whiskers that purrs and is secretly plotting your doom  
CA: im not really sure about the last part but it sounds kind a like a meowwbeast  
TG: there youve done that before with horses right hoofbeasts  
CA: wwhat horses a hoofbeast is a hoofbeast  
TG: im just going to write this off as cute alien quirkiness   
CA: cute  
TG: weird alien quirkiness i mean  
TG: actually can i cut this lovely conversation short im kind of off my game right now  
TG: snarky broads and stupid comments that shouldn’t bother people as much as they do im sure you know what its like  
CA: wwhat  
TG: no seriously i am going to log off now and pretend very hard that im not seriously thinking about what im seriously thinking about  
CA: are you okay  
CA: you sound evven wweider than usual  
TG: im totally fine im so fine no one who sees me could possibly stop themselves from swooning at how fine i am  
TG: im out of here  
TG: later

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: bye davve  
CA: wwhat the hell rude  
CA: wwhatevver

 

Your name is Dave Strider, you are the coolest kid this planet has to offer, and through a combination of passive-aggressive psychobabble and generic snarkiness you just realised you might unironically have a tiny little crush on a genocidal space reindeerfish dude who has a raging alien boner for another space fishgoat lady who is also kind of a bitch, and you’re fairly certain you’ve just founded the dictionary explanation for the abbreviation ‘fml’.


	6. Flushcrushed

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  
CA: hey davve  
CA: can i ask you somethin  
CA: davve are you there  
CA: davve its been like an hour wwhat are you doin  
CA: fine see if i care if you ignore me for ovver one and a half hour  
CA: its not like you havvent been playin off the radar for the past perigee or anythin  
TG: im not ignoring you  
TG: and perigrees awesome alien measurement scales that means so much to me  
CA: and finally he appears  
CA: and its perigee not perigree fuckin dumbass nubnicker  
TG: you know how pesterchum has this nasty little box in the taskbar that is supposed to blink orange well its decided to crap out on me fly the coop like a parrot on fire  
CA: good to knoww you make as much sense as evver  
TG: dude chill just my computer acting up im not ignoring you or anything what are you expecting me to do woefully gaze at your handle when youre offline and wring my hands like babby girl has her first crush unable to type properly because you talking to me has me so flustered im flinging mustard and mayonnaise all over my sandwich wanting to be home and eat a tub of ice cream because itd never work out  
CA: noww youre makin activvely less sense than usual  
CA: wwould that havve made sense to another human  
TG: probably dude youre just a poor repressed little monkey lost in the oceans of im too cool for school or generic television programs unable to keep up with the eternal flow of cliches the proper moody damsel is supposed to keep up with to be allowed to sulk properly  
TG: because you know it doesnt work if theyre not wrapped up in a pink fluffy bathrobe using a large round spoon to scoop brownie ben and jerries out of its container while watching the titanic on repeat with all the lights off  
CA: so wwhy wwere you sulkin then do you wwant to glub about it  
TG: what gave you the idea im sulking do i look like im curled up on the couch crying over shitty old cinema and drowning my sorrows in sugar and caffeine  
TG: thats dumb anyways why would i drown my sorrows in coffee thatd just leave me overstimulated as fuck and way too awake for this horseshit   
CA: wwell wwasnt that wwhat you wwere gettin at i mean this entire speech on teenage bloodpumperbreak rituals wwas meant as an excuse right  
CA: for ignorin me like a wwigler did jade find out aboat your flushed fintentions and reject you or somefin  
TG: what dude no nothing like that stop letting your mind run away with you like some rabid dog pulling you along to pisa to take a piss while youre wearing rollerskates getting one upped by a labrador isnt cool  
TG: and that was a lot of fish puns  
CA: a wwhat tuggin me wwhere howw  
TG: stop trying to analyse my metaphors having to explain this shit is like the number two on the list of things a strider wouldnt do its like trying to explain to your children that avatar is like the lovechild between harry potter dinotopia and star trek convoluted dumb and it drains all the fun out of a kids show think of the poor old assholes living in their parents basements just waiting for their favourite childrens show to come on and then being disillusioned about its greatness by some asshole breaking it down and stomping on it  
CA: so you usually do this fin wwere you make no fuckin sense wwhatsoevver but i got a feelin its like extra fuckin awwful today wwhat got your bulge all knotted up  
CA: ivve already told youre free to glub to me about it right  
TG: dude  
TG: isnt a bulge like an alien crotch cobra  
TG: why are you not doubling over and groaning in second hand agony just mentioning some other dude’s gear shift pulled into a knot thats like fifty levels of medieval style dungeon disaster right there the kind where theyd probably need to pull some country chick away from her cooking pot just to do the deed because no man should ever do that to another guys hardware  
CA: wwhat are you goin on about  
TG: the fact that you just used knotted up as a term for my fun truncheon babycakes  
CA: oh cod davve quit gettin off tangent  
CA: i didnt need to knoww the lack a flexibility a your human bulge WWHY wwould you pick that a all thins to go on about wwhen im bein a fuckin sport here and offerin you a feelins jam despite just that right there is screamin pale infidelity dont you knoww howw HONORED you should be  
TG: hold on flexibility troll rainbow rolls are flexible doesnt that just mean they sort of hang there all limp like a noodle thats been soaking too long  
TG: space reindeerfish one of natures wonders reproducing with their rainbow noodles  
CA: WWE ARE NOT FUCKIN TALKIN ABOUT BULGES  
TG: fine then lets talk about you being a sport yet  
TG: i know nothing about sports you are now the greatest mystery in the universe  
CA: davve  
CA: STOP ACTIN LIKE AN IMBECILE AND PULL YOUR HEAD OUT A YOUR NOOK  
CA: thank you  
TG: whoa dude calm your tits  
CA: my non inflated vvestigial vvenom sacks need no calmin davve you just need to shut the fuck up and stop spoutin bullshark at me  
CA: you come back from pretendin im like the shit on your sole after a wwhole perigee a lets play pretend nofins wwrong wwhile not answwerin my trollin and then proceed to fling fuckin nonsense at my face like youre some kind a underdevveloped fingerbeast wwhich i knoww youre not STOP FUCKIN ACTIN BELOWW STATION YOU MORON   
TG: calm down what are you doing writing a novel  
TG: also non inflated vestigial venom sacks??????????  
TG: look at all those question marks i am typing to convey my genuine interest as an intellectual being you know for science and stuff  
CA: wwhat did you think that im just goin to point and laugh at all a your stupid meaninless human wwords if you just throww enough a them at me you knoww wwhat davve wwhen i offer you a fuckin feelins jam thats not because a some intercultural exchange its because your stupid ass might just be pitiful enough for me to actually GIVVE A FUCK HOWW YOURE FEELIN AND TRY TO FUCKIN HELP OUT but wwhat the hell do you care right youre just sittin there pissin all ovver this stuff because youd rather do wwhatevver than talk to me fuckin hell wwhy are you evven botherin right didnt you enjoy the calm wwhile you wwere  
CA: you knoww  
CA: IGNORIN ME  
CA: and stop deflectin by pointin out my fuckin anatomy its fuckin unconscionable  
CA: davve  
CA: DAVVE

turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum

CA: I HOPE YOU STEP ON A WWIGGLER BUILDIN TOYBLOCK YOU FUCKIN NUBSLURPER

\---

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: I have this major issue that needs to be put on the table little man.  
TT: Namely the one where I'd tell you I'd kick in your door but I'm afraid I'd be flushed out of the place by a torrent of all those tears of teen woe and broken dreams you've been bottling up in there.  
TG: fuck off bro  
TT: See, that's what I meant. You're not even trying anymore, you're just living the cliché.  
TT: And though I loathe to admit it, your little dark cloud of self pity and dramatic hermitage is curbing my flow.  
TG: good to know bro i can die happy now that i know my angst has killed your rapping skills  
TT: I didn't raise you to be such an ass lil' man.  
TG: yes you did  
TT: Alright, I'll admit that one. But what I'm saying Dave, is that somewhere in this black hole of a heart of mine there is a tiny spark that does actually give a shit about you and would rather you didn't waste away in your room for the rest of your life.  
TG: chill man im not going to die in here  
TT: You sure about that?  
TG: what the fuck do you mean by that  
TT: I mean that after almost three months of moping you just spent another two weeks holed up in your room only coming out for food and the occasional piss. Did you even shower at all?  
TG: no of course i didnt im just sitting here drowning in the stench of my man cave after soaking it in sweat for a while  
TT: Dave, go take a shower.  
TG: that was a joke  
TT: No it wasn't. Also your little suicidal scene kid spiel is getting old and if you don't come out and take a fucking shower I will confiscate your door.  
TG: what  
TG: im not suicidal bro  
TT: I will screw it out of the doorframe and ask the neighbour to keep it safe for a couple of days. Now march to your ablution dude.  
TG: youre kidding right  
TT: I am completely serious. Do I need to start counting or can you pull your big kid wedgie out of your ass for long enough to get into the shower cabin without me having to play darling housemom?  
TG: jesus dick man get your fuckin face out of my business  
TT: Ten.  
TT: also that is 'fucking', spelled with a g at the end, get it right.  
TG: dude chill out this is not cool  
TT: Nine.  
TT: And yet I'm still being infinitely cooler than you without even trying, now move it.  
TG: what would you do if i did something like this to you  
TT: Eight.  
TT: And I'm the authority figure here you couldn't boss me around if you tried.  
TT: Shower.  
TT: Now.  
TG: fine im going im going  
TT: Seven.  
TT: Saying you're going and then twiddling your thumbs some more isn't how this is going to go over man. I'm not budging until I see your pasty white boy ass vanish into the shower.  
TG: hold your horeshit im going im going  
TT: Six.  
TG: and i didnt know you liked my ass so much bro not sure how ill ever feel comfortable again  
TT: Five.  
TT: And Dave, I will kick your ass for that one you disgusting little runt.  
TG: alright im gone fuck you you stick  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

\---

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT: Yo   
TT: Greetings. I do not think I've had the pleasure of speaking to you before oh mysterious person in orange?   
TT: This is Dave's Bro.   
TT: Ah. I assume you're here to inquire about his, as he calls it himself, 'funk'?   
TT: Yeah right, funks don't last this long.   
TT: I concur. But then I do believe this funk of his is more of the I screwed up in the romantic department and I don't want to deal with it kind than any kind of artistic block he's trying to break or whatever reason he might have given you.   
TT: He hasn't give me anything other than basically telling me he hasn't showered in two weeks.   
TT: Ew.   
TT: I agree. Not the point though. You're awfully chatty about these quite possibly confidential things.   
TT: Normally I'd keep patient confidentiality as a priority, but in this case I'm making an exception.   
TT: Because I'm your 'patient's' brother?   
TT: Because he's been behaving like someone has shoved a cactus up his behind and told him to take it out on us.   
TT: Charming.   
TT: Indeed.   
TT: Okay, so you're saying he might have gotten his adorable little plush heart broken. Anyone I need to have a stern talk with?   
TT: I don't believe he's been dumped per se. I don't know the exact circumstances, because the mere topic of romance has him use subtle wit to change the subject, by which I mean he deflects to talking about penises, but I think he and his partner might have some kind of row.   
TT: You're telling me he's actually been dating this girl without describing her in at least two thousand colourful metaphors to anyone who is willing to listen to him? That's odd.   
TT: I'll admit that the behaviour isn't entirely in character, but under the circumstances I might have figured out the reason behind his uncharacteristic silence.   
TT: Which is?   
TT: I believe your 'she' might actually be a 'he'.   
TT: Doubt it.   
TT: Why is that?   
TT: Because, little miss psychobabble, underneath all his freudian dong talk my lil' bro is a bit of a homophobe. In case you hadn't noticed.   
TT: I assure you, I have been trying to tell him he loves the cock for many a years, 'Bro'. I am well aware of his mild fear of being perceived as a homosexual by you.   
TT: Hold on, what are you trying to tell me here.   
TT: Oh, am I mistaken? I got the idea that the whole notion that homosexuality would count as uncool stemmed from your beliefs.   
TT: Your name is Rose right?   
TT: That is correct.   
TT: You seem like a smart girl Rose. Did you ever psychoanalyse my website?   
TT: Excuse me?   
TT: I'm gay, Rose.   
TT: Oh.  
TT: Well that does bring in a factor of confusion. Are you certain Dave is aware of this?   
TT: I own a puppet porn empire. I sell plush figurines with plush rumps and suggestively shaped foam noses.   
TT: I know. I meant, did you ever tell him this?   
TT: He's a smart kid, he knows.   
TT: I think you might be underestimating your little brother's idiocy.   
TT: The chances of that being one hundred percent correct are actually reasonably big.  
TT: You said you didn't know who his romantic entanglement was with right?   
TT: Indeed I do not.   
TT: And I believe GG and EB are his other internet buddies right. You sure it isn't one of them?   
TT: Almost entirely certain. Neither Jade nor John has shown any insight on his rather drastic change in behaviour.   
TT: Alright. There's a bunch of people here he talked to only a few times. Then a handful of times with someone who uses CG as a handle.   
TT: The shouty internet troll?   
TT: And I think I've hit the motherload. CA, talked to them almost daily until right before his little funk started and then had another conversation right before the whole let's try to stay in my room so long I'll get physically attached to my chair horseshit.   
TT: I believe that counts as invading his privacy, 'Bro'.   
TT: You can leave off on the apostrophes you know.   
TT: Are you asking me to call you Bro?   
TT: Hell yes I am. Welcome to the family. I've always wanted a snarky little sister.   
TT: I'm afraid my adoption comes with a semi permanently drunk mother.   
TT: Cool.  
TT: Anyways I'm not actually reading his conversations, I was just checking who I need to threaten.   
TT: I do believe scaring off his potential romantic interest wouldn't be any more appreciated than reading his private conversation.   
TT: Rose, regardless of what kind of opinion you have of me, or how much of your own relationship with your mother and yourself you are projecting onto me and my little brother I feel the need to inform you that I do in fact possess basic social skills.   
TT: I was just making sure.   
TT: I'm sure you were.  
TT: Anyways I'm off. Probably won't talk to you any time soon.   
TT: And here I thought I was adopted into a family where I could look forward to being subjected to long, meaningful conversations at any time.   
TT: Heh, don't say anything you don't mean Rose.   
TT: Don't. You. Dare.   
TT: I won't. Might drop in to let you know how this little invasion of baby bro's privacy goes though.   
TT: Please do.   
TT: Later.   
TT: Goodbye.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

\---

timaeusTestified  [TT] began pestering caligulasAquarium  [CA]

TT: You are an acquaintance of Dave's, aren't you?  
CA: wwho the fuck are you  
TT: Oh God, you type like a tool.  
CA: oh fuckin hell you come and pester me out a NOWWHERE and start complainin about THAT  
TT: Chill out and answer my question.  
CA: does it fuckin matter its not like he wwants to talk to me anymore anywways noww wwho are you  
TT: Doesn't matter. And what gives you the idea he doesn't want to talk to you?  
CA: countin or not countin that he hasnt answwered any a my messages in forevver because i think thats a pretty fuckin big hint  
TT: I see, so he has been avoiding you. Care to share the reason why?  
CA: howw the fuck should i knoww one night wwere just talkin and evverythin is fuckin fine and the next he just stops respondin to evverythin  
TT: Night huh. So your chats were nighttime endeavours?  
CA: thats not quite wwhat i meant  
TT: Do enlighten me.  
CA: its fuckin complicated stuff okay and im not explainin that shit to someone wwho doesnt evven wwant to share their name  
TT: Smart move. Okay, so actually I don't really give a shit about that anyways, let's move back to what I actually want to know.  
TT: Did you and Dave have some sort of lover's tiff before you stopped talking?  
CA: lovvers  
CA: wwhat the FUCK  
TT: Am I misunderstanding the relationship between you two? It was not so subtly implied to me you guys were involved.  
CA: wwhy wwould you evven think that  
TT: Because Dave wouldn't just fold up and tuck himself in the closet because of anyone.  
CA: that is a stupid metaphor  
TT: Prissy.  
TT: Anyway, I take it I can safely assume you did not know about his affections?  
CA: youre sayin davve is flushed for me  
TT: Now that was a stupid euphemism.  
CA: likes me then wwhatevver  
TT: Congratulations. You managed to deduce my meaning from the most obscure of riddles. You are the gumshoe, it is you.  
CA: vvery fuckin funny  
TT: I try.  
TT: But I think I figured out what is going down here. Dave realised he has the biggest of boners for you, and instead of manning the hell up he decided to just stop talking to you, in turn stepping all over whatever kind of relationship you might have shared before.  
TT: My little brother is an idiot.  
CA: are you serious  
TT: I'll go fetch him and tell him to contact you so you can chew him up and turn him down or whatever.  
TT: You seem like a nice girl, but don't worry about my baby bro's little heart. He can take your shit.  
TT: Later.  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]  
CA: wwhAT

\---

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TT: It's a girl.  
TT: Congratulations on your newfound fatherhood Bro. What will we be calling the new addition to the family?  
TT:...  
TT: Okay I set myself up for that one.  
TT: Anyways, baby bro's paramour is a girl.  
TT: What makes you so certain?  
TT: Types in purple, prissy as hell and probably PMSing right at this very moment.  
TT: She's a wolverine, and I'm setting her on Dave.  
TT: Are you sure that is a wise idea?  
TT: Probably not, but it's a hell of his own making.  
TT: Should have grown a pair and confessed to her in the first place.  
TT: Wait, you don't mean…  
TT: Yeah, this entire drama was just I can't tell her jitters.  
TT: Dave, you are a weak, weak man. I am dissapointed.  
TT: Agreed. Anyways, shower's off. Time to break the news that his little girlfriend knows his game.  
TT: Later.  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
\---  
"So," Bro began, leaning against the wall nonchalantly. "She's a lovely girl."

"What?" Dave asked as he looked up from his bottle of apple juice with confusion. His brain raced to try and put together some form of context but all he got was blank cards.

Pulling away from the wall to ruffle his hair like he was some goddamn puppy or something Bro gave him a jeering grin. "Your little girlfriend, CA. Seems like a lovely girl."

"You think Eriblub is-" spluttering, Dave wasn't sure whether to be amused by the misunderstanding or uncomfortable with the fact that he'd implied Eridan was his girlfriend. The his mind screeched to a halt as it sunk in that his _bro_ had been talking to his crush.

"Your girlfriend, yeah. Or at least, that's what I would have thought if I didn't know first hand that you didn't have the balls to fess up yet. So I did it for you, just thought you should know."

The asshole he was now officially disowning as his brother gave him the biggest grin while Dave felt the blood drain from his face, before turning away, towards the door. "Welp, I'm off to my gig lil' man. Might want to run off to pacify your damsel now."

Brotherly love sucked.

\---

caligulasAquarium  [CA]  began trolling turntechGodhead  [TG]

CA: davve  
CA: wwhat the fuck wwas that all about wwho wwas the orange douchebag wwas he tellin the truth are you flushed for me  
CA: davve are you there  
CA: the orange human said you wwere goin to come online  
CA: davve answwer me  
TG: what the fuck did he tell you  
CA: davve there you are wwoww finally decided to grace me wwith your fuckin presence havve wwe  
TG: can the bipolar horseshit you were so very eager to talk to me just now now what the fuck did that asshole tell you  
CA: davve youvve been dowwnright fuckin RUDE to me i think i havve some fuckin bitchin privvileges all these fuckin davve is an asshole havve a free punch to his face cards stackin up here for the past twwo perigees  
TG:...  
TG: were you just  
TG: imitating me  
CA: did it wwork  
TG: i thought you hated my metaphors  
CA: i do but i figured id givve it a shot  
CA: <3  
TG: whoa hold on what the hell is up with you today first you go all desperate is it true other woman on me then we get condescending im better than you bitch and now i get little text hearts  
TG: i need you to elaborate for me here poodlebub whats going down  
CA: wwell the orange text human told me the reason behind you basically bein a fuckin moron and ignorin me is that youre flushed for me  
CA: im not really sure wwhy youd ignore me for a stupid reason like that but since its vvery flatterin i figure ill let you off easy  
CA: THIS TIME  
CA: dont you dare pull that on me again or ill find your stupid human planet and punch you in the earth human mouth  
TG: was that a rejection  
CA: wwhat  
TG: its very flattering but i dont like you that way is that what youre saying  
CA: wwell technically im more pale for you than flushed but wwevve got a good thin goin davve im wwillin to givve this a shot

\---

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST CASE SCENARIO YOU TWO GRUBFISTING PIECES OF LUSUS EXCREMENT COULD POSSIBLY SET YOURSELF UP FOR. EVEN IF I WASN'T COMEPLETELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN YOU WERE BOTH DROPPED ON YOUR HEADS AS WIGGLERS, THEN RAN OVER BY A ONE WHEELED DEDVICE STEERED BY A MURDERCLOWN ON SOPOR BEFORE BEING FUCKED UP THE WASTE CHUTE WITH SAID ONE WHEELED DEVICE THIS COULD NEVER WORK OUT. I MEAN I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK OUT BECAUSE THAT IS PRETTY MUCH THE MOST OBVIOUS THING EVER FROM WHERE I'S STANDING BUT IF YOU'D PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS AND STOPPED FONDLING YOUR SHAMEGLOBES LIKE A DROOLING IMBECILE FOR A FULL SECOND YOU'RE REALISE THAT REGARDLESS OF FUTURE EVENTS YOU ARE NOT YET AWARE OF AND WILL NOT BE SPOILED ABOUT BY ME BEING IN A CONSCUPISCENT RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ALIEN WOULD JUST GIVE HIM AN INSTANT CULLING FORK TO THE FACE.  
TG: dude shut up will you im trying to have a moment here

\---

CA: though i cant really make you my actual matesprit since that wwould be stupid since youre on a different planet and all  
CA: id be wwillin to try somethin flushed

\---

CG: OKAY EVEN IF I DIDN'T LOATHE YOU BOTH SO MUCH I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO PUT IT INTO WORDS THAT IS JUST PLAIN DESECRATING THE RULES OF ROMANCE.  
CG: ALL OF THEM.  
CG: SEE, I'M EVEN PULLING OUT THE SHITTY OVERUSED MEMES TO SHOW HOW INCREDIBLY DISGUSTED I AM RIGHT NOW JUST BECAUSE OF THE VULCANO OF SICKENINGLY RED FEELINGS YOU TWO ARE VOMITING AT EACH OTHER WITHOUT ANY KIND OF REGARD FOR THE QUADRANT SYSTEM.  
CG: YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE SOMEONE YOUR FLUSHED-BUT-NOT-MATESPRIT-PARTNER. THAT IS JUST A THING YOU DON'T DO YOU PAIR OF FUCKWITS.

\---

TG: yes  
TG: hell fucking yes eribabe  
TG: let's make this shit take place  
CA: really  
CA: you wwant to be wwith me like that evven though i cant like fill pails wwith you or anythin wwith the wwhole bein on different planets thin

\---

CG: I AM FACEPALMING SO HARD. I AM SITTING HERE AND BEATING THE SANITY RIGHT OUT OF MY THINKPAN. IT IS DRIPPING OUT OF MY AURAL SPONGE CLOTS LIKE WATERFALLS OF GOEY RAGE.  
CG: IF IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU'RE CHEATING ON THE QUADRANT SYSTEM WITH AN ALIEN YOU'RE ACTUALLY BRINGING BUCKETS INTO THE CONVERSATION A WHOLE ONE SENTENCE INTO YOUR NEWFOUND RELATIONSHIP. AMPORA YOU UNEDUCATED, UNSOPHISTICATED FUCKUP.  
TG: dude calm your non inflated vestigal venom sacks  
CG: STOP USING TROLL VOCABULARY YOU EARTH HUMAN ASSHOLE.

\---

TG: im going to be honest and say i dont see how pails factor into this entire thing but from the way shouty is going off at me its probably significant  
CA: wwell it kind a is but its a bit awwkwward to explain  
TG: then tell me later let me stew in my glee for a moment before i try to wrap my head around aliens  
CA: alright  
CA: <>  
CA: no wwait thats the wwrong one  
CA: <3  
TG: <3 to you too babe  
CA: wwho wwas the orange human anywways  
TG: that asshole was my bro he decided he had enough of my teenage drama horseshit and stuck his nose where it doesnt belong  
CA: wwell im glad he did you stupid asshole  
TG: i guess i am too ill thank him later once he comes back from making the club scene unsafe

\---

CG: OF COURSE THE FIRST THING THE NEWLY ESTABLISHED PAIR OF CRAZY FUCKUPS WHO SHOULD BE THROWN INTO PARADOX SPACE FOR THE AMOUND OF ASSFUCKERY AND COMPLICATIONS THEY ARE SHITTING ON EVERYTHING BY MAKING KISSY FACES AT THEIR MONITORS AND COMMITTING THEMSELVES TO A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS ABOUT AS LIKELY TO WORK OUT AS A RANDBOWDRINKER NOT CHAINSAWING IN HALF HER MURDERER DECIDES TO GAB ABOUT AS A COUPLE IS THE HUMAN WASTE OF OXYGEN TELLING HIS NOT-MATESPRIT ABOUT HIS KINSMAN'S ASHEN INFIDELITIES.  
CG: CLUB SCENES SOUND LIKE THE MOST DISGUSTING VENUES YOUR FAILED SLURRYBUCKET OF A PLANET HAS TO OFFER.

\---

CA: so you nevver did explain wwhat a brother entails exactly  
TG: oh god

\---

CG: STOP LAUGHING AT YOUR SCREEN YOU FUCKWIT!

\---

TG: shouty can somehow see into my room and has just had an epically hilarious cultural misunderstanding im explaining to my boyfriend what siblings are and aliens do it with pails  
TG: and somehow im not freaked out at all  
TG: today is the best day <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay that took a little longer than I expected and I'll admit I'm not too happy with it, but I refuse to block over this chapter any longer than I already have.


	7. Hearts give no Quarter

CG: HOW  
CG: HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHEER PERFECTION OF THE WAY THE ACTORS CONVEYED THE TENSION BETWEEN THE CHARACTERS ONCE HE REALISED SHE’D NEVER RETURN FROM THE FAR REACHES OF SPACE YOU BRICKSHITTING MORON, DID YOU VOMIT OUT YOUR GANDERBULBS AND GLUE ROCKS TO YOUR FACE OR WHAT?  
CG: LETS FACE IT AMPORA, WE ALL KNOW YOU HAVE THE ROMANTIC CAPABILITIES OF A SPOTTED NECKBEAST WITH IT’S VERTEBRAE IN A KNOT AFTER IT’S TAKEN A LONG BATH IN PURRBEASTSHIT BUT NOT EVEN YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO MISS THE DEEP, MEANINGFUL DIALOGUE AND THE PERFECTLY FILMED SHOTS OF THEIR SORROW AND LONGING.  
CA: i aint sayin i dont see howw wwell the actors are convveyin anythin because lets face it the actors are ovverpaid ovverrated heaps a meat bones an muscles im sayin the entire premise is FUCKIN STUPID okay  
CA: its about this fuckin halfwwit wwho decides to bone this other fuckin ninny right after wwhich she gets sent into space and then they proceed to spend the rest of the shoddy awwful film i just wwasted three hours on lamentin that they cant fuck anymore  
CA: she KNEWW she wwas goin to be leavvin she signed up for the army herself quite frankly i dont see wwhere she gets off blamin the army for not bein able to suck his nook anymore  
CG: ERIDAN, YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW TEMPTED I AM TO PRINT OUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID A THOUSAND TIMES AND PASTE IT ALL OVER MY RESPTEBLOCK JUST TO GET A LAUGH EVERY TIME I SEE IT, REMEMBERING THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WERE THE ONE TO SAY IT. BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE FOR THEIR OWN SHORTCOMINGS, WHAT A CRIME PEOPLE, YOU HEARD IT FROM ERIDAN AMPORA FIRST.  
CG: AND REALLY, BONING? WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING THERE AMPORA, THAT THEY WERE SECRETLY IMPALING EACH OTHER ON THEIR BONE SHEATHS DURING THOSE TASTEFUL PITY SCENES THEY ADDED IN? BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION I CAN THINK OF FOR THAT WORD AND IF IT IS I WILL FREELY ADMIT TO HAVING UNDERESTIMATED THE SHEER AMOUNT OF THINKPAN ROT YOU SUFFER OF.   
CA: okay eww noww that is just gross its just a synonymous wword a pailin kar nothin as kinky as that  
CA: and im losin my shit here laughin ovver you callin those straight out pornographic scenes tasteful really kar they had this giant budget but they obvviously stuck all a it into bribin the actors into doin those scenes wwithout stand ins  
CG: WHICH DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE THOSE SCENES PORNOGRAPHIC, YOU KNOW.  
CA: no, it’s the gratuitous vvestigal vvenom sack shots and the up close penetration shots that make the scenes pornographic come on kar it wwasnt hardcore but you cant seriously try to tell me that a movvie that consists a at least an hour a footage a twwo adults writhin together on a concupiscent couch or bendin each other ovver evvery avvailable surface to showwcase their grief is just fuckin vvulgar and can pretty much just be summed up in one wword  
CA: fuckin porn  
CG: I WOULD SAY IT PAINS ME GREATLY TO DRILL THIS COLD HARD TRUTH INTO YOUR LOBE STEM, BUT IN REALITY I GLEEFULLY ROLL AROUND IN THE KNOWLEDGE OF HOW EMBARRASSED YOU MUST BE ONCE YOU REALISE THE HUGE MISTAKE YOU JUST MADE. BECAUSE IN CASE YOU HADN’T CAUGHT ON YET, THAT WAS TWO WORDS.  
CA: oh man howw could i not havve realised that look at all these sick burns youre throwwin dowwn there kar im wwounded  
CG: I HATE TO ADMIT IT BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEANT BY ANYTHING YOU JUST SAID.  
CA: oh yeah you wwouldnt sorry that wwas a reference  
CG: TO WHAT?  
CA: id try to explain it to you kar but i doubt you’d be able to comprehend the subtle variables and emotional depth a the wwhole thin  
CG: IS THAT SASS I SPOT THERE AMPORA? ARE YOU BEING SASSY WITH ME?  
CG: AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I WAS COMPLETELY AND DISGUSTINGLY CORRECT WHEN I SAID THAT BECAUSE THE BEAUTY OF THIS CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE WENT COMPLETELY OVER YOUR HEAD. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE CHOICES AND YOUR THOROUGH BREAKDOWN OF THE MOVIE WILL YOU ERIDAN? DO YOU SEE IT? DO YOU SEE THAT THE ONLY THING YOU GOT OUT OF THE ENTIRE THING WAS THAT THE CHARACTERS HAVE BULGES?  
CA: maybe i wwould havve noticed somethin else if the camera didnt keep on zoomin in on their crotch  
CA: really fuckin amateur filmographarias  
CA: but in all seriousness its not a reference to somethin youd get just an in joke in the fantastically complex and regal business that is my life  
CG: DID YOU MEAN YOUR LEFT FIVE PRONGED GRASPER?  
CA: noww that wwas just crass  
CA: and please just call it a hand your uncouth lowwblood vvocabulary is offendin my delicate sensibilities  
CG: YOU DON’T HAVE A DELICATE ANYTHING.  
CG: WHAT IS UP WITH YOU ANYWAY, YOU’RE ACTING WEIRD. NOT THAT I’M COMPLAINING, BUT I HAVEN’T HEARD A PEEP OUT OF YOU REGARDING YOUR MOST CURRENT GRAND MASTERPLAN ON MAKING FEFERI YOUR MATESPRIT. YOU KNOW I’M HERE IF YOU NEED ME TO TALK YOU OUT OF ANYTHING TOO STUPID, DON’T YOU?  
CA: wwait wwhat the evverlovvin FUCK are you yakkin about noww  
CG: HEY MAN, SORRY IF IT COMES OVER AS HARSH OR WHATEVER BUT YOU SORT OF HAVE THIS LITTLE HABIT OF STICKING YOUR HEAD UP YOUR NOOK AND TRY TO BATTER-RAM YOUR WAY INTO PEOPLE’S QUADRANTS WITHOUT TAKING THEIR FEELINGS INTO ACCOUNT, JUST IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED. I’M JUST OFFERING TO HELP YOU OUT BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING THAT’LL MAKE YOUR AUTOEROTIC SHAME GLOBES RETREAT UP YOUR NOOK IN SHAME FOREVER THIS TIME.  
CA: thats a nice offer kar but i dont need you auspistisin betwween me and my owwn attempts at relationships or wwhatevver you get your rocks off on  
CA: and im not talkin to you about my plans for gettin fef to be my matesprit because i dont havve any  
CG: YOU  
CG: DON’T.  
CG: OKAY, WELL THAT’S NEW. KEEP IT UP, I GUESS?  
CA: you knoww kar if i didnt consider you my friend id be mighty insulted are you implyin that im not good enough for fef or somethin  
CG: IM NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT YOU’VE BEEN AT THIS ONE TROLL TANGO FOR SWEEPS AND WATCHING YOU MAKE A PILE OF FESTERED CHOLERBEAR EXCREMENT OF YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TAKE A HINT AND STICK TO THE QUADRANT YOU ALREADY HAVE OR MAKE IT CLEAR YOU WANT THE OTHER ONE IS SO UTTERLY EMBARASSING THAT IT MAKES EVEN THE ONLOOKERS WANT TO BURROW THEMSELVES INTO THEIR WASTE CHUTE UNTIL THEY REACH ALL THE WAY UP TO THEIR TONGUE SO THEY CAN HANG THEMSELVES WITH IT.  
CA: wwoww thanks for the vvote a confidence kar  
CA: wwell your fuckin asshole can rest in peace knowwin ivve givven up on tryin wwith fef okay wwhy dont you go do a fuckin dance or somethin  
CG: OKAY I GET THAT YOU’RE THROWING A TANTRUM AND EVERYTHING, AND THAT I’M JUST SORT OF SUPPOSED TO FOLD MY SPINE IN AN ORIGAMI THEATRE TO CHEER YOU UP, BUT CAN WE JUST SKIP THE MELODRAMATIC HOOFBEASTSHIT WHERE I PRETEND TO ADMIRE THE HEMOTYPED VIOLET YOU’RE TRYING TO JAM UP MY CHUTE AND EXAMINE THE BARE BONED BASICS OF WHAT YOU JUST SAID.  
CG: YOU’RE GIVING UP ON AWEING FEFERI WITH YOUR DAZZLING VISAGE NOW? DID YOU HIT YOUR HEAD OR SOMETHING?  
CA: i hit my head all the time howw evven wwould that be a vvalid reason to base me changin my mind on  
CG: WAS THAT A JAB AT MY HEIGHT I HEARD THERE?  
CA: wwhat  
CA: oh god kar youre so fuckin ovversensitivve i dont evven knoww wwhat you look like howw wwould that be a jab at your height  
CA: are you like freakishly tall or somethin that youvve devveloped a height complex like that  
CG: WE ARE DONE TALKING ABOUT MY HEIGHT.  
CA: wwhat wwhy because youre afraid one a your friends wwill recognise you based on your height  
CA: did you hit your head or somethin  
CG: HA FUCKING HA. SERIOUSLY. THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER. IT NEVER HAPPENED, GOT IT?  
CA: wwhat convversation  
CG: GOOD BOY.  
CA: the one ill be gossipin wwith ter about later  
CG: OH GO IMPALE YOURSELF ON SOMETHING SHARP.  
CA: hey kar  
CG: IF THIS IS THE SET UP FOR SOME STUPID JOKE I WILL FLING MYSELF OVER THE EDGE OF A CLIFF JUST SO I NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.  
CA: youre such a riot to talk to kar really all a that positivvity is really makin you shine  
CA: but no i had a serious question  
CA: kind a inspired by your incredibly juvvenile and asinine choice in movvies actually  
CA: i wwas wwonderin like they spend half a the film moonin ovver havvin to let go right  
CA: but dont they each havve a kismesis  
CG: YEAH THEY DO, BUT I'M FAILING TO SEE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF A SIDELINE KISMESSITUDE IN A REDROM DRAMA.  
CA: wwell the drones only ask for one bucket a season right and if you get the wwhole set thats nice and honorable and you get fuckin bucketbrag privvileges but  
CA: if they lovved each other so much they couldnt bear to stand to flush for someone else wwhy didnt they look for alternativves to breakin up  
CG: WHAT  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ASK HERE. NO REALLY, I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT BUT TELL ME ANYWAYS JUST SO I CAN ASSES EXACTLY HOW BADLY YOU DAMAGED YOUR THINKPAN.  
CA: wwell they both wwould a been able to just hand in their black pails to the drones and evverythin wwould a been fine right  
CA: they still could a talked ovver the internet and such there wwas no need to go jump the drastic measures right awway  
CG: FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE A GRADE A MORON WHO'S BEEN STEWING IN A MARINADE OF IDIOCY AND WINGBEAST DROPPINGS FOR A FEW SWEEPS.  
CG:SECOND OF ALL, THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! ARE YOU NUTS? THE GIRL WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE BECAUSE SHE WAS IN THE MILITARY AND THEY HAVE THAT NO BUCKETS PRIVILEGE SLASH REQUIREMENT THING BUT IF HE LOST HIS KISMESIS HE'D BE KISSING THE CULLING FORK FASTER THAN YOU COULD SAY HATE. ONLY A WIGGLER WITHOUT AN INBRED SENSE OF SELF PRESERVATION WOULD BE SO ASTRONOMICALLY MORONIC TO CHANCE THEIR LIVES ON A SINGLE CONSCUPISCENT QUADRANT FOR A LONG SPAN OF TIME LIKE THAT INSTEAD OF KISSING THEIR REDMATE GOODBYE AND MOVING THE FUCK ON.  
CA: you put that so fuckin charminly romantic kar  
CG: SHUT UP! LOOK YOU WRUNG OUT PIECE OF WOOD-GENERATED WASTE-CHUTE WIPING TISSUE, ROMANCE IS ONE THING, SUICIDE IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT TIN GROUND WRIGGLEBEAST ENCASEMENT. NOW LET ME CONTINUE.  
CA: did you just refer to me as fuckin toilet paper  
CG: THIRDLY, YOU CAN'T JUST DO A LONG DISTANCE REDROM. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. THE BEAUTY OF IT IS THAT YOU PITY EACH OTHER SO MUCH THAT YOU ALLOW PHYSICAL INTIMACY TO OVERCOME ANY SANE TROLL'S NATURAL BOUNDARIES AND GET PHYSICALLY INTIMATE WITHOUT HURTING OR INSULTING THE OTHER AND WITHOUT HAVING TO FIGHT FOR IT. THE MOMENT WHERE YOU CAN STARE EACH OTHER IN THE OCCULARS AND KNOW YOUR PARTNER ISN'T GOING TO HARM YOU.  
CG: YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT OVER A BAZILLION MILE TERMINAL LINE. WITH A MOIRAIL WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS AND KEEP YOU CALM MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'D ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO BLAB ABOUT ENDLESSLY, BUT NOT WITH REDROM.  
CG: I MEAN, MOIRAILLEGIANCES ARE IDEALLY SOMETHING PHYSICAL AS WELL BECAUSE HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A PROPER PALEMANCE WITH SOME ASSHOLE WHO IS TOO FAR AWAY TO PAP INTO SUBMISSION OR LIE IN A PILE WITH, BUT LONG DISTANCE REDROM IS LIKE WALKING INTO A PEN FULL OF HOWLBEASTS WEARING A MEOWBEAST COSTUME.  
CA: kar  
CG: I COULD SEND YOU OFF TO WATCH SEVERAL MOVIES AROUND THE THEME OF LONG DISTANCE MATESPRITSHIP TO GET THE POINT THROUGH YOUR THINKPAN, ACTUALLY. I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST FOUR TITLES OF THE TOP OF MY HEAD THAT DEAL WITH THE SUBJECT, AND THEY'RE ALL TRAGEDIES. WHILE TRAGEDIES AS A WHOLE ARE BRUTALLY UNNECESSARY AND BASICALLY JUST SOME CYNICAL ASSHOLE'S PET PROJECT WHERE HE ATTEMPTS TO MAKE THIS GAPING PIT OF BRUTAL GANDERBULBFUCKING LETHAL SUBSTANCE WASTE WE CALL A UNIVERSE APPEAR EVEN WORSE THAN IT IS AND RELIEVING HIMSELF ALL OVER THE TEARS SHED BY WHATEVER FORCES AMONG US STILL HAVE ENOUGH SOUL LEFT IN THEIR PLOOD PUSHERS TO CRY OVER MOVIES THEY CAN TEACH YOU A LOT ABOUT THE SUBTLE INTRICACIES OF ROMANCE AND HOW BADLY THEY CAN GET SCREWED OVER. WHICH IS, IN CASE YOU SOMEHOW HADN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET, A BIG FUCKING DEAL.  
CA: kar you can stop noww  
CG: LET'S SEE, THE FIRST ONE THAT JUMPS TO MIND IS 'IN WHICH A RUSTBLOODED CAVALREAPER IS SUMMONED TO JOIN THE IMPERIAL ARMY AND LEAVE HIS MAROONBLOODED KISMESIS BEHIND WITH THE PROMISE OF CONSTANT CONTACT RATHER THAN FOLLOWING THE ADVICED BREAKUP PROCEDURES, SHORTLY AFTER WHICH THE MAROONBLOOD'S MATESPRIT IS CULLED FOR TREASON. CONTAINS THREE PAILING SCENES, FIVE INSTANCES OF RITUAL CULLING, NINE INSTANCES OF JUST KILLING, NINE KISSING SCENES, TEN EXPLOSIONS, THREE BATTLES AND ONE EXCLUSIVE SHOT OF THE EMPRESS'.   
CA: okay i get it you think havvin red feelins in a long distance relationship is hoofbeastshit and evven if it wwasnt you think it wwould nevver wwork out  
CA: you can stop explainin yourself any time noww youvve made your point  
CG: I'M JUST MAKING SURE YOU GET THE WHOLE PICTURE LIKE THE FANTASTIC FRIEND I AM BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING AS SUICIDAL AS PULLING THE ROMANTIC EQUIVALENT OF STICKING YOUR HEAD IN A CONTAINER FILLED WITH LIQUID ACIDIC NEUROTOXIN AND TRY TO BREATHE.  
CA: if i wwere to evver do somethin as stupid as that my head wwould evvaporate before i evven got the chance to fuckin think let alone attempt to flush it through my gills  
CG:I DON'T KNOW, BRO. IF IT'S YOU I CAN IMAGINE YOU TRYING TO GET A CARDIOVASCULAR WIND-SACK FULL OF TOXIN.  
CA: i dont think youre comprehendin the physiological differences betwween you and me here kar  
CA: if i inhale liquid my land oxygen pump wwill collapse automatically and shrink and expand for buoyancy only not for breathin the liquid wwould nevver reach that far dowwn itd get flushed out by my gills  
CA: wwhich scientifically speakin still wwouldnt matter much since wwere not talkin wwater here and like i said the stuff wwould vvaporise anyone evven touchin it  
CA: thats wwhy its nevver kept planetside too dangerous for wwigglers and adolescents  
CG: THANKS FOR THE SCIENCE LESSON. JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW.  
CA: youre wwelcome  
CG: UGH, YOU NEED TO STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO LITERALLY. IT WILL BE THE DEATH OF YOU.  
CG: LITERALLY.  
CA: wwhatevver kar you keep tryin to convvince me a dumb flawws wwe both knoww i dont actually havve if itll help you feel better about yourself  
CG: NO.  
CG: I AM NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.  
CG: IN FACT, MY LUSUS IS MAKING A RACKET SO I'M REALLY NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO.  
CA: alright  
CG: LOOK, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER OKAY? IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE LONG DISTANCE THING OR IF YOU WANT ANY OTHER MOVIES TO CHECK OUT JUST LET ME KNOW.  
CA: youre actin awwfully pale kar sorry to disappoint but ivve got a moirail already  
CA: but thanks for the offer  
CA: i think i got your opinion just fine  
CG: THAT WAS NOT AN OPINION YOU LOPBEASTTHINKSPONGED SOPORSNIFFER, IT WAS A FACT.  
CA: wwhatevver kar  
CA: later

 

\---caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneiticist [CG]\---

 

\---cuttlefishCuller[CC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]\---

 

CC: S)(ello -Eridan!  
CA: oh hey fef  
CC: W)(at are you up to? You're not us)(oaly online t)(is late!  
CA: wwhat are you my lusus  
CC: 38| I am your moirayeel mister, I retain t)(e RIG)(T to know what you are doing! -ESP-ESEALLY if I'm not s)(ore if you are planning something DANG-EROUS.  
CA: oh cod im sorry for bein rude and all but reely fef wwhats wwith the antagonistic facade youre pullin here  
CC: YOUR FAC-E IS W)(AT IS UP WIT)( MY MANTAGOFIS)(STICK FACADE 3>8)  
CC: H-E-----E!  
CC: I'm sorry, I couldn't s)(ellp t)(at one. Still, you are being awfully TOUC)(Y!  
CC: Did you get your gills on a new, not functioning doomsday defis)( or somet)(ing?  
CA: wwhat no nofin like that right noww i have other thins to forel on  
CA: its just that im wwatchin this dab movvie kar told me to wwatch and its gettin me in a bad mood  
CC: 38O  
CC: Are you getting angry from one of Crabcatfis)('s stupid romantic COM-EDI-ES?  
CA: wwhat no its a tragedy he told me to wwatch because i asked him about somethin  
CC: You glub all t)(ese words at me, but all I'm )(erring is a grumpygills w)(o needs a good PIL-E!  
CC: Unless you can only talk about t)(ings with Crabfis)( now 38/.  
CA: wwhat no all i talked aboat wwith kar wwas his stupid films  
CA: you knoww howw he gets wwhen he gets completely lost in makin nonsensical explanations for ficseaonal characters no one gives a shit aboat and starts rantin and rantin its awwful  
CA: he doesnt evven listern wwhen you try to get him to shut his net and stop carpin reely howw do people deal wwith it  
CC: Carping is a t)(ing Crabsnatc)( is very good at.  
CC: But )(-E isn't t)(e only one I know w)(o likes to )(ear )(ims)(ellf glub 38\\.  
CC: Maybe you s)(oald stop being a B-EAC)( for a minute and explain to me w)(y you are being so GRUMPY rat)(er t)(an take it out on some stupid buoy!  
CC: You and Crabcat don't us)(oaly quarrel muc)(. Tell me, is t)(is some new development of the PITC)( kind? 38O  
CA: wwhat no theres nothin like that betwween me and kar its just that i asked a perfectly legilltimate fuckin question and all it got me wwash a long shitty rant on howw stupid the idea wwas and the reccommendation for this movvie  
CA: wwhich is reely bad and i dont evven wwant to knoww wwhy he wwatched it in the first place it isnt evven in his fuckin genre  
CC: W)(at did you ask him then?  
CA: wwell youll need to knoww some background information fisht  
CA: i mean you dont need it but ill tell you anywways  
CA: so here i wwas right being my upright magnanimous self indulgin him in wwatchin some wweird film that wwasnt really a romcom but more like somewwhere in betwween that and a fuckin tragilly  
CA: and the main characters spend the entire fuckin thin pissin and moanin aboat howw awwful it is she has to go to join the fleet and hes stayin behind evven though she signed up hershellf  
CC: T)(at doesn't sound very )(umorous at all! I thought Catcrab was completely )(ooked on romantic COM-EDY, not fis)(y-was)(y drama.  
CA: it had a lot a reely plebeian jokes in it  
CA: wwhoevver wwrote the script reely needs a cullin fork to the face for just slappin some slapfishstick humour ovver a serious and depressin story and callin it a romcom  
CC: -Eridan! You're being too )(ars)( 3>8\\. I'm s)(ore t)(ey worked very )(ard on creating t)(at movie, and if directors got culled every time some stick-in-the-sand moodypants like you decided t)(ey didn't like t)(eir work we'd N-EV-ER get any movies.  
CA: or wwed only get good ones that sounds a lot more appealing  
CC: No we wouldn't. You know w)(y? Because you never pike ANYFIN!  
CA: hey thats not true i like plenty of movvies  
CC: You only like really obscull, odd ones.  
CC: But you still )(aven't told me w)(at you two FOUG)(T aboat!  
CA: wwe didnt really fight  
CA: its just that i told him they should havve just kept in contact and keep their red thin goin evven though theyd be far apart and he flipped his shit at me because a howw impossible long distance is and howw red feelins dont wwork that wway and howw they might nevver meet again makin it pointless  
CC: )(mmmmm… For someone w)(o conseaders )(ims)(ellf such an expert on t)(e subject, Crawfis)( sure isn't very romantic, is )(e?  
CC: I agree wit)( you! If they LOV-E eac)( ot)(er, they s)(oaldn't let distance stop t)(em. Just knowing that t)(ey )(ave -EAC)( OT)(-ER no matter w)(at even t)(oug)( t)(ey're far apart, don't you t)(ink t)(at's ADORABUBBL-E?  
CA: see thats wwhat i thought kar made it all about pails as usual because thats kar for you but just because you cant pail them wwhen theyre far awway doesnt mean you shouldnt try to carry on until the vvery end right  
CC: W)(ale, to the very end is a rat)(er DRAMATIC way of putting it, don't you fink?  
CC: T)(at's pretty muc)( asalmon t)(ngs will go wrong from the beginning  
CC: But it's rare for you to s)(ow such passion for something not destructive like this. Do you perhaps )(ave an -EY-E on some fish in a far sea?!  
CC: 38D  
CC: 3 8D  
CC: 38D  
CA: wwhat no keep that facial fur a yours in control its makin your tiara bob  
CA: no i wwas just  
CA: i mean  
CC: …  
CC: -Eridan?  
CC: W)(ere did you go?  
CA: i wwas just askin because a you  
CC: W)(at? W)(at do you mean because of M-E?  
CA: wwell you cant exactly go far awway can you wwith the emissary hummin ovver your shoulder and wwho knowws howw long that wwill continue  
CC: )(onestly, I don't t)(ink it will continue very long at ALL!!! But t)(at is beside the point now, you were explaining somefin.  
CA: its just that you mentioned you like someone right but if theyre not a seadwweller like me they cant exactly come vvisit your hivve and hang out wwith you and shit so i wwondered wwhat kar thought about it  
CA: i nevver mentioned you though i didnt havve to just the suggestion wwas enough to set him off on some tirade  
CC: 38O  
CC: -Eridan…  
CC: That is so SW-E-ET!!!  
CC: I t)(ought you didn't APPROVE of my interest in a landfish!!  
CA: wwell i dont i mean theres no wway any a that landdwwellin TRASH could evver be good enough for you  
CA: but theres no point in me tryin to stop it is there  
CA: i mean evven if you only talk to them on trollian i guess its naut impossible to fall in lovve wwith any right  
CC: O)( -Eridan, I'm SO PROUD OF YOU 38O  
CC: Are you s)(ore there isn't a SP-ECIAL person I )(ave to t)(ank for allowing you to realise t)(is?  
CA: vvery shore  
CC: T)(at's a pity! -Even t)(oug)( I can't ACT on any kind of F-E-ELINGS yet, redrom is so fis)(inating! To pity someone so MUC)( t)(at all you want to do is take t)(em in your arms and kiss them gilly, it's SO ROMANTIC!  
CA: uh  
CA: are you shore thats exactly howw its supposed to feel  
CA: and wwhat do you mean you cant act on any kind a feelins yet i gavve you my blessins didnt i wwhat else do you need  
CC: Of course I'm s)(ore. Conscupiscent pity is the most PROMINENT kind of pity t)(ere is! -Everyone knows t)(AT.  
CC: And don't be silly -Eridan. You're my morayeel, not my lusus. If I WANT-ED to go out wit)( salmon, you wouldn't be able to stop me.  
CC: But rig)(t now I am too busy for romance! After all, I )(ave ALL of the plans 38D.  
CA: wwhat do you mean to busy for romance  
CC: O)( COD! Don't be dramatic, I'm not breaking up with you you gilly buoy, I'm just not looking for any OT)(-ER quadrants!  
CC: Just because you are in suc)( a )(urry to grow a complete collection doesn't mean t)(ere isn't still TIM-E.  
CC: Not t)(at it will matter in t)(e end, but t)(at is not important rig)(t now.  
CA: are you keepin secrets from me noww alongside a lyin to me about bein interested in somefish  
CC: O)( don't be such a grouch.  
CC: You know w)(at we s)(oald do?  
CC: Since we )(aven't in a LONG w)(ile, because a certain grumpy gills I know keeps on backscaling out?  
CC: We s)(oald go on a DAT-E!!!!!!!!  
CA: wwhat   
CC: You know w)(at! You, me, a pile, some movies and snacks so we can )(ave a LONG and GR-EAT feelings jam!  
CA: oh that kind a date  
CC: W)(at ot)(er kind of date would I )(ave meant? 38O  
CA: no nevver mind it wwas just me bein distracted by this movvie  
CA: wwhich wwe had better not be wwatchin just so youre wwarned  
CC: You mean you'll agree?  
CA: wwhat else would I mean wwhy would i disagree your my morayeel this is pale stuff youre supposed to do  
CC: 38D That's GR-EAT! I'm so )(APPY! It's been too long since you've made time for us.  
CA: i make time for you all the time  
CC: Not for me stupid, for US!  
CC: Oh, I'm so -EXCIT-ED! I'm going to look for good movies RIG)(T NOW!  
CA: wwhat hey hold on

 

\---cuttlefishCuller  [CC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium  [CA] \---

 

\---caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]\---

 

CA: hey vvris  
CA: you can stop pretendin youre not there you knoww i appreciate that youvve done the conscionable thin and unblocked me but wwhats the point a unblockin me if youre just goin to pretend youre not home  
CA: evvery night  
CA: for thirteen nights in a roww  
CA: wwhat kind a moron do you take me for not evven you wwould forget to sign off that frequent  
CA: unless this is all some dastardly scheme to get back in my black graces a course  
CA: in wwhich case i wwould advvise a less passivve direction a flirtations you knoww as wwell as i do that only wwigglers think wwaitin and ignorin is a vvalid useful strategy to get people to hate you  
CA: mature trolls accept that ignorin people makes them groww bored a you and evventually cast them awway  
AG: Oh my god how stupid do you even have to 8e!!!!!!!!  
AG: Do you have any idea how much of an idiot you sound like right now?  
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, I can't 8elieve I ever somewhat liked you, you're so annoying.  
CA: wwhat the fuck is that supposed to mean  
AG: Look, you loser, let me try and simplify this for you.  
AG: I un8locked you because you were 8eing a pain in the ass a8out trying to get me to notice you again, and then I ignored you 8ecause you're a dum8, annoying whiner.  
AG: Talking to you is suuuuuuuuch a waste of time!  
AG: Go 8other someone else, Dualscar >::::|.  
CA: wwell noww arent you bein just plain fuckin rude i just wwanted to ask if you wwanted to try a flarpin session wwith me again wwe havvent done a run together in ages  
AG: 8luh! No, go find someone else.  
AG: I have waaaaaaaay too many irons in the fire to waste my time on a pathetic loser like you.  
AG: L8er!

 

\---arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]\---

 

\---aracnidsGrip [AG] blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]\---

 

\---turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering caligulasAquarium  [CA] \---

 

TG: my darling my dear my honeysuckle sun of my skies  
TG: or moon i guess you mentioned you guys dont like the sun too much either way the something vital in the sky i wouldnt be able to function without  
TG: ignore that totally stupid metaphor plus explanation times two combo i am well aware that it sounds and looks stupid  
TG: in fact gimme a second to think of a better line  
TG: the ocean is blue and your text is violet  
TG: your pants look great theyd look better next to a bed  
TG: look it even rhymes  
CA: davve wwhat the hell are you doin  
CA: youre terribly at poetry you knoww  
CA: that might havve rhymed but it had no floww  
TG: did you just rhyme at me  
CA: i might havve  
TG: pshh you sly thing  
TG: only a week into our relationship and youre already flinging that sass of yours around like its a stripper with a session to session paycheck in front of a wrinkly old manmeatbag with papergreen in his pockets  
TG: your sass is giving me a lapdance poodle dearest and the only thing on my mind while im popping boners all over the place is how much sexier it would be if it were you here  
TG: its very sexy sass  
CA: you are so vvulgar sometimes davve  
TG: wwhat no embarassed tantrums today  
TG: son i am disappoint  
CA: wwhat are you tryin to imply davve is embarassment your pity kink or somethin  
TG: dude no weve been over this  
TG: pity is an alien thing, from me youre only getting the dopest of warm fuzzy feelings all the time forever while i sit here and longingly gaze at my screen probably touching myself inappropriately  
TG: but i just imagine you starting to fidget in your chair or pod or shell or whatever fishtrolls sit in and i dont even know what you look like but the image is fucking adorable okay  
TG: and no shhhh before you say anything i invoke boyfriend rights i am totes allowed to call you adorable my munchkin  
CA: i still dont really get howw that wworks you knoww  
CA: i mean howw can you like me but not pity me  
TG: hey  
TG: hey not cool are you doubting the honest genuineness of your brand spanking new snookums  
TG: man eriblub i wish you were here or i was there or whatever so i could show you just how much i like you okay because im totally crazy  
TG: also i should tell you bro made a wedding cake  
TG: it said ca and dave are sitting in a tree F-O-R-N-I-C-A-T-I-N-G  
TG: it was made out of papier mache and decorated with cherry bombs and a pair of smuppets in gaudy fake gold dresses on top  
TG: one of them was red the other was only the most brilliant shade of purple  
TG: when i told him his version of the kissing song didnt fit the melody he detonated the entire thing  
TG: excluding the butt puppets he saved those  
TG: theyre now sitting on top of the fridge rubbing one out with their noses touching and their asses jutting out impudently  
CA: butt puppets  
TG: yeah i told you before his smuppets theyre like this rainbow parade of puppets sort of like you except they come with facial genitals and butts that are so fake it doesnt even matter anymore that theyre made out of felt and stuffing because everything about them just screams implants  
TG: theyre sort of like trolls with the rainbow theme  
TG: though i kind of hope your reproductive organs arent on your face i mean id be so cool with it id be building snowpenises with the polarbears in alaska  
TG: actually im not sure could be the penguins too  
TG: either way id be completely cooler than anything you could ever imagine if they were but i cant deny id be a little weirded out  
TG: so just to get the scientific curiosity out of the way  
TG: do trolls have facedicks  
CA: davve youre doin that thin wwhere half a the shit youre fuckin tellin me makes no sense howw am i supposed to answwer properly if i cant evven tell wwhether or not youre actually askin if my bulge is located on my face or not  
CA: wwhich its obvviously not that wwould be really really wweird  
TG: no yeah thats more or less what i was asking so okay cool excellent  
TG: i mean i know i said id be completely fine with it and be like the accepting lover a fine damsel like you deserves and everything  
TG: but im honestly not sure how fine i would be with facepenises  
TG: any alien surprises in your trunk i will try to accept and shit of course i mean im not so much of a jackass that i wouldnt i knew what i was getting into and all that junk  
TG: which is also technically not true because i have no idea about anything beyond the whole horned spacefish with rainbow blood and purple in his hair and  
TG: welp there isnt all that much chance that im getting into anything considering the whole outer space deal weve got going on tragic case though that may be  
TG: no really that is tragic dicks like being into things and all  
CA: davve are you seriously ramblin on about your bulge and its intergalactic concupiscent desires  
TG: ill admit that got a little out of hand but throw me a bone here man  
TG: im a dude with feelings yeah sure  
TG: but ive also got hormones  
TG: and a dick  
TG: im allowed to think about sex okay  
TG: and youre my boyfriend so im allowed to think about sex with you  
TG: even if i have no idea what the hell it is youre packing and even though there is on a scale of one to infinity about a dream on chance of actually meeting you and getting to kiss you silly or whatever aliens do  
TG: its like  
TG: im fifteen man what do you want from me

 

\---caligulasAquarium [CA] is now an idle chum!---

 

TG: fuuuuuuuuuuck

 

\---gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]\---

 

GC: H3LLO 3R1D4N >;]  
GC: 4 L1TTL3 W1NGB34ST TOLD M3 YOUV3 BEEN H4R4SS1NG VR1SK4 4G41N  
CA: oh hey ter can it wwait for a bit  
CA: i need to go do somethin calmin  
CA: like shootin somethin  
CG: TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR R3FUS3S TO H34R YOUR 3XCUS3S 4ND D3M4NDS ORPH4N3R DU4LSC4R T4K3S TH3 ST4ND TO D3F3ND H1MS3LF 4G41NST TH3 4CCUS4T1ON  
CG: F41LURE TO COMPLY W1LL R3SULT 1N A F1RM DRUBB1NG >:]  
CA: oh youvve got to be kiddin me ter youre a great friend and all but i aint got the time or the patience to deal wwith some halfbaked courtroom rp scenario wwith you  
CG: TH3 JUDG3 R3QU3STS 1MM3D14T3 R3MOV4L OF THE WH1NY W1GGLER 1N THE COURTBLOCK 4ND L3G1SL4C3R4TOR R3DGL4R3 ONC3 4G41N T3LLS THE ORPH4N3R TO T4KE ST4ND  
CA: no ter  
CA: im really really not goin to play along with your stupid scenario  
CG: >:[  
CG: 1 C4N SM3LL YOUR D1SCOMFORT FROM 4LL TH3 W4Y OV3R HERE  
CG: 1 W4S HOP1NG TH4T SOM3 FR13NDLY ROLEPL4Y1NG M1GHT M4KE YOUR D3L1C1OUS BL4CKB3RRY COMPL41NTS R33K L3SS OF ST4L3 F1SH  
CG: AND H3R3 1 THOUGHT W3 W3R3 FR13NDS  
CA: look ter im sorry for bein rude or wwhatevver youre takin such gravve offense to but this really isnt the time okay  
CG: M4K1NG G1RLS CRY 3R1D4N  
CG: YOU SHOULD B3 4SH4M3D OF YOURS3LF  
CA: wwait wwhat  
CA: ter youre not seriously cryin are you  
CA: shit im sorry wwhat did i do that wwas so bad  
CG: 1TS OK4Y  
CG: 1 FORG1V3 YOU  
CG: BUT 1 H4V3 ON3 COND1T1ON!  
CA: wwait hold on im not evven sure wwhat i did i bleww you off because i aint up for roleplayin is that a crime noww  
CG: Y3S! 1T 1S TH3 V3RY WORST CR1ME  
CG: TH3 CR1M3 OF NOT H4V1NG FUN  
CG: YOUR PUN1SHM3NT W1LL BE YOUR 4TT3ND4NC3 TO TH3 FL4RP1NG C4MP41GN 1 W1LL BE ORG4N1S1NG SOON  
CA: wwait wwhat  
CA: are you kiddin me  
CG: Y3S  
CG: BUT NOT 4BOUT TH3 FL4RP C4MP41GN  
CG: >:]  
CG: H3H3H3H3H3  
CA: wwhat are you goin on about  
CG: 1M NOT M4D AT YOU 3R1D4N  
CG: BUT 1 W1LL B3 1F YOU DONT COM3  
CG: TH1S FL4RP S3SS1ON W1LL B3 V3RY 1NT3R3ST1NG 4ND 1 WOULD B3 D1SSAPO1NT3D 1F YOU M1SS3D 1T  
CG: 1F ALL GO3S W3LL VR1SK4 W1LL B3 TH3R3 TOO  
CG: OF COURS3 TH4T M34NS YOU MUST B3 ON YOUR B3ST B3H4V1OR, DU4LSC4R  
CA: wwhat do you mean by that and i havvent evven agreed to come yet wwhen is it  
CG: TH3 PR3P4R4T1ONS 4R3 NOT 3NT1R3LY DON3 Y3T SO 1 C4NT G1V3 YOU 4 S3T D4T3 Y3T SO YOU SHOULD JUST K33P YOUR SCH3DUL3 CL34R FOR M3 >:]  
CG: 4ND OF COURS3 YOU W1LL COM3 1F YOU DONT WHO KNOWS WH3N VR1SK4 WOULD T4LK TO YOU 4G41N R1GHT  
CG: JUST K33P 1N M1ND TH4T UNW3LCOM3 BL4CK SOL1C1T4T1ONS W1LL NOT B3 W3LCOM3  
CG: R34L M3N PROV3 TH3Y C4N BE G3NTL3TROLLS B3FOR3 TH3Y 4R3 LOV3RS 4FT3R 4LL >;]  
CG: BY3 3R1D4N!  
CA: wwait hold on wwhat all evven are you glubbin on about

 

\---gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \---

 

TG: look man im sorry for creeping you out i know that went like way too far but please come back  
TG: fuck please i need to talk to you tell me youre okay tell me youre not angry tell me i didnt like scare you off or something  
TG: eridan please answer me  
TG: i will serenade you if you dont im warning you  
TG: i will serenade you in rap and it will be so romantic your panties will fall right of  
TG: no fuck wrong metaphor im sorry ill lay off on the sex jokes  
TG: cant fix dick joke damage with more dick jokes right  
TG: look do i really have to do this  
TG: do i really have to rap you an entire serenade in references you wont understand killing the entire point of the rap  
CA: fuckin hell davve im not mad  
CA: you just startled the gills off a me alright  
CA: i mean i figured i wwas used to the wweird human copulation jokes but the avverage wweird copulation joke isnt about me  
TG: hey man just so you know sex dreams about you are no joke  
TG: theyre awesome  
TG: until i wake up with a smuppet on my crotch  
TG: the violet one with ca stitched on its ass  
CA: DAVVE  
TG: sorry sorry  
TG: ill try to tell the little soldier off alright  
CA: i think im goin to take a little break off a my husktop noww  
CA: evveryone on the internet has been wweird all wweek  
CA: first my moirail is bein all excited about the idea a havvin a pale date wwhich i guess i nevver really noticed she wwanted  
CA: then my black crush is bein double as fuck sendin the wweirdest mixed signals  
CA: then another friend suddenly demands i play along wwith some flarpin group im not evven a part of wwhich is bound to be awwkwward  
TG: your black crush  
CA: yeah you knoww the person im havvin spades for and evverythin  
CA: look ovverall im just in a bad mood i guess sorry  
CA: ill talk to you tomorroww okay  
TG: i guess  
CA: wwhat no giant block a wweird metaphors to send me off today  
TG: nope  
TG: ive got some food for thought now its keeping me busy  
TG: but yeah ill talk to you tomorrow  
CA: <3  
CA: bye davve  
TG: later

 

\---turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]\---

 

\---turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]\---

 

TG: <3

 

\---turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After focusing on the HSO it was nice to finally get back to working on this piece, even if the chapter got kind of out of hand and I had to split the contents of my notes for this chapter in two.


End file.
